Well, in a few days I'll be moving this blog to a new location so that it is more tightly integrated with a new website I'm launching. You will be able to find it at www.maineadhdcoach.com by the end of the week. Websites are funny things. You work on one and launch it, and then six months later you look at it and want to blow it up and start all over. At least I do. But the process got me to thinking about why I always seem to be changing things.
I think it's my ADHD that creates this need for constant re-arrangements and novelty. I am famous for spontaneously re-arrangeing the furniture in different rooms of my house. I just get bored with the same old thing day after day. I switch up my routines and daily patterns fairly frequently as well. I'll go through periods of time where I love a particular food or brand of beer, or TV show, and then just as quickly I'll drop it and move on to something else. It's not that I don't like it anymore I just need a change. Finding a level of consistency and routine that I can maintain has been the greatest challenge of my life. One thing I'm deeply thankful for is that I haven't blown up my marriage or my family life. This is the one area I've tried to be consistent and steady. I've made mistakes of course, but nothing I could not readily make amends for. I've found more than enough challenge, novelty, and stimulation to remain fully engaged as a Husband and a Father. I'm sure I drive them all crazy sometimes, but that's all a part of it.
I always worry about my clients when they see only the negative aspects of this trait. While it can be taken to extremes and can be disruptive the quest for novelty and new experiences can also be extremely rewarding and exciting. Living your life is all about trying new things and expanding your horizons. It would be a sad place if we simply stopped learning or changing and stayed the same. I've tried a lot of different things and done some different things in my life, and I'm sure I'll keep on doing that. It doesn't have to be radical, and you don't have to turn your life upside down. You can continue to follow routine and structure, and have new things in your life. Here are a few thoughts:
1. Volunteer work: you meet new people, and do good things for your community!
2. Learn a new skill: take a yoga class, finally figure out how to use Excel, change your car's oil yourself. It's a new thing that you didn't have before and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
3. Become a local tourist: how many places have you actually been to in your immediate area? Check them out and see what you can find.
4. Adopt a pet: Animals can provide a wonderful new aspect to your life; just be sure that once the novelty wears off you can really commit to the care and attention they need.
It's amazingly refreshing and energizing when I try new things or have a new experience. Just remember that the key is balance. It's not a sign that your slipping into bad habits if you want to try new things. Maintain your structure and routine, but find constructive ways to inject novelty into your life. No one said life is supposed to fun, but no one said it had to be boring either.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
It's not always your fault!
One of the vestiges I have of living with undiagnosed ADHD for so long is a tendency to assume I'm at fault unless shown otherwise. This is the result of getting into hot water over things like missed assignments, missed deadlines, forgotten appointments, procrastination, disorganization, and all the other aspects of ADHD. Because you were to blame for the electric company shutting off the power because you didn't mail payments for three months you tend to assume if something bad happens you probably have something to do with it, (A quick aside; don't laugh, but this actually happened to me. I had a bunch of bills to be mailed out in my car and forgot they were there. Same thing the next month. Eventually I found most of them and sent them off, but didn't send the electric bills. We had three checks written out and my wife couldn't figure out why we kept getting disconnect notices. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to admit that we had our power shut off because I forgot to mail the bill out THREE MONTHS IN A ROW? But I digress....).
Since being diagnosed and treating my ADHD things have gotten much better and I don't usually create such chaos in my life. However, I do have a tendency to jump to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong if something negative happens. Here's an example: I got a letter from my bank telling me my business account was overdrawn and I needed to address the situation. I immediately panicked; I went through my checkbook register assuming I had it all screwed up. When it seemed to be in order I decided I couldn't be right so I went on line and looked at every transaction and tried to match it up with my checkbook. I found that I had recorded a deposit that the bank didn't have. I searched through my car thinking I had forgotten to make it. Then it struck me that maybe the bank was wrong. I called the local branch where I make all the deposits and asked a few questions. It turns out that they had received my deposit and it was credited to my personal account instead of my business account. They were extremely apologetic and credited me back any fees I'd incurred. Wow, I thought, it wasn't my fault at all. I was on the verge of making a deposit and not questioning it. I saved myself several hundred dollars and felt good about myself as well.
What are the lessons here?
1. Don't always assume something is your fault. Verify the facts, review what you have done, and make sure that you have met your responsibilities.
2. Don't avoid dealing with the situation out of fear or wishing to avoid embarrassment. Better to catch a mistake or omission now then letting it fester for weeks or months.
3. Do give yourself credit for things you have done well and stayed on top of even if you have made a mistake. I don't know many perfect people, and I would guess you don't either.
4. Do accept responsibility if indeed the situation is your fault, and offer to make amends. Then let it go, and ask yourself how you can do things differently to avoid this situation in the future.
5. Always be willing to ask questions and stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking a bank or whomever to explain why they think this is your fault. Make sure you are 100% satisfied with their answers. Don't allow your past to color your present.
It's always hard to overcome the negative feelings we may have about ourselves because of our past mistakes. However, it's ok to move ahead as someone that has turned the page on that part of your life. Don't always assume it's you; there's plenty of mistakes being made without your help.
Since being diagnosed and treating my ADHD things have gotten much better and I don't usually create such chaos in my life. However, I do have a tendency to jump to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong if something negative happens. Here's an example: I got a letter from my bank telling me my business account was overdrawn and I needed to address the situation. I immediately panicked; I went through my checkbook register assuming I had it all screwed up. When it seemed to be in order I decided I couldn't be right so I went on line and looked at every transaction and tried to match it up with my checkbook. I found that I had recorded a deposit that the bank didn't have. I searched through my car thinking I had forgotten to make it. Then it struck me that maybe the bank was wrong. I called the local branch where I make all the deposits and asked a few questions. It turns out that they had received my deposit and it was credited to my personal account instead of my business account. They were extremely apologetic and credited me back any fees I'd incurred. Wow, I thought, it wasn't my fault at all. I was on the verge of making a deposit and not questioning it. I saved myself several hundred dollars and felt good about myself as well.
What are the lessons here?
1. Don't always assume something is your fault. Verify the facts, review what you have done, and make sure that you have met your responsibilities.
2. Don't avoid dealing with the situation out of fear or wishing to avoid embarrassment. Better to catch a mistake or omission now then letting it fester for weeks or months.
3. Do give yourself credit for things you have done well and stayed on top of even if you have made a mistake. I don't know many perfect people, and I would guess you don't either.
4. Do accept responsibility if indeed the situation is your fault, and offer to make amends. Then let it go, and ask yourself how you can do things differently to avoid this situation in the future.
5. Always be willing to ask questions and stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking a bank or whomever to explain why they think this is your fault. Make sure you are 100% satisfied with their answers. Don't allow your past to color your present.
It's always hard to overcome the negative feelings we may have about ourselves because of our past mistakes. However, it's ok to move ahead as someone that has turned the page on that part of your life. Don't always assume it's you; there's plenty of mistakes being made without your help.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What are the survival advantages of ADHD?
I've been doing a lot of reading recently about evolution and the origins of the human race. One of the really fascinating things you find is how quickly the human race can change if it finds a trait or physical characteristic that provides a survival advantage. For example, when humans migrated out of Africa they had the dark black skin that is common among Sub-Saharan African populations today. The dark skin color gave them protection from the hot sun of the plains of Africa and so was advantageous to them. Fast forward several thousand years and their descendants have made it to Northern Europe as the last ice age was ending. The human body needs vitamin D, and one of the primary sources is sunlight. We evolved near the equator where sunlight and warm temperatures were the norm. However, in a northern climate, the days can be quite short for long stretches of time. Thus, a light skin color that more easily absorbed the suns rays became advantageous for the humans that settled in Northern Europe and it quickly became the norm. There are countless examples of this ongoing process that have been documented by people who study the genetics surrounding human evolution. It got me to thinking about ADHD and why some of the traits that we find so vexing could have developed and proven advantageous to our ancestors.
1. Restlessness, Impulsivity, and Risk-Taking: In our current society, these characteristics can become a real trouble-maker for someone with ADHD. We can spend too much, say the wrong thing, drive our teachers or parents crazy with our inability to sit still, and get ourselves into trouble by engaging in risky behavior. But for an individual living in a hunter-gatherer society these would be extremely useful traits. You would be the member of the tribe willing to strike out in unfamiliar territory in search of food. You may be the one who has the most energy and drive to find your quarry. Because you are willing to take risks you are seen as brave and dominant. Finally, because you have an impulsive streak, you may be more adept at trying new hunting techniques or food types. There may be many more examples but these are a few I thought of.
2. Easily Distractible: Today, being easily distracted is another area where we can struggle. There is so much coming at us that people with ADHD can be easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli. But a few thousand years ago this wasn't the case. Being easily distractible could provide a big survival advantage. Consider that there was very little stimuli other than your fellow tribe mates. If you are out searching for game a sudden movement or noise could be an enemy or a meal. If you are instantly and forcefully distracted by anything outside of the norm this could lead to you eating more and being eaten less!
3. Memory issues: One of the complaints I often hear about ADHD is that someone can remember seemingly unimportant details of long ago events in great detail, but forgets to pick up their dry cleaning or mail out the bills. In a modern society this can seem to be a quirk or disadvantage, but looking at it from a survival standpoint it makes perfect sense. Our ancestors would have found it very useful to be able to have tremendous recall about things like where a water supply was, where a dangerous predator made their lair, or where someone once met an untimely end. Being able to focus solely on the most critical aspects of survival; and filter out less important things allowed those individuals to stay alive longer. Back then the only interesting thing was finding food and staying safe. Everything else was just gravy.
While this may be just complete guesswork on my part, I can see that aspects of ADHD could have been wonderful survival tools for our long ago ancestors. Unfortunately our modern society presents different challenges that these traits are not as well equipped to handle. One of the most valuable things anyone with ADHD can do is to learn about the condition and gain a better understanding of it. Thinking about it in our ancestors' lives was a fun experiment and gave me a chance to see the drawbacks of ADHD as advantages.
1. Restlessness, Impulsivity, and Risk-Taking: In our current society, these characteristics can become a real trouble-maker for someone with ADHD. We can spend too much, say the wrong thing, drive our teachers or parents crazy with our inability to sit still, and get ourselves into trouble by engaging in risky behavior. But for an individual living in a hunter-gatherer society these would be extremely useful traits. You would be the member of the tribe willing to strike out in unfamiliar territory in search of food. You may be the one who has the most energy and drive to find your quarry. Because you are willing to take risks you are seen as brave and dominant. Finally, because you have an impulsive streak, you may be more adept at trying new hunting techniques or food types. There may be many more examples but these are a few I thought of.
2. Easily Distractible: Today, being easily distracted is another area where we can struggle. There is so much coming at us that people with ADHD can be easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli. But a few thousand years ago this wasn't the case. Being easily distractible could provide a big survival advantage. Consider that there was very little stimuli other than your fellow tribe mates. If you are out searching for game a sudden movement or noise could be an enemy or a meal. If you are instantly and forcefully distracted by anything outside of the norm this could lead to you eating more and being eaten less!
3. Memory issues: One of the complaints I often hear about ADHD is that someone can remember seemingly unimportant details of long ago events in great detail, but forgets to pick up their dry cleaning or mail out the bills. In a modern society this can seem to be a quirk or disadvantage, but looking at it from a survival standpoint it makes perfect sense. Our ancestors would have found it very useful to be able to have tremendous recall about things like where a water supply was, where a dangerous predator made their lair, or where someone once met an untimely end. Being able to focus solely on the most critical aspects of survival; and filter out less important things allowed those individuals to stay alive longer. Back then the only interesting thing was finding food and staying safe. Everything else was just gravy.
While this may be just complete guesswork on my part, I can see that aspects of ADHD could have been wonderful survival tools for our long ago ancestors. Unfortunately our modern society presents different challenges that these traits are not as well equipped to handle. One of the most valuable things anyone with ADHD can do is to learn about the condition and gain a better understanding of it. Thinking about it in our ancestors' lives was a fun experiment and gave me a chance to see the drawbacks of ADHD as advantages.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wait, did she really write that? My response to Marilyn Wedge's piece in the Huffington Post.
Every time I think that the stigma surrounding ADHD in kids and adults is fading away into understanding and acceptance I read an article by an "expert" or speak with some one and am floored by their ignorance. Exhibit A today is a piece from the Huffington Post written by Marilyn Wedge. She is listed as a family therapist and an author, and her piece was titled: "7 Natural Ways to Help Your Child's ADHD". You can read the full article by following this link.
I don't know much about this person, and I'm sure she means well. However, she begins this article badly and gets worse as she goes. Here are a few tidbits:
1. "Whether ADHD is actually a biological condition (there is no scientific evidence for this), or whether ADHD is a profitable social construction that allows Big Pharma to sell more drugs, is a topic that continues to be debated. (I added the italics).
Ummm, What? There are mountains of scientific evidence going back over 70 years. To say that there is none is either willfully ignorant or dishonest. Furthermore, I find the statement that ADHD is some concoction of the Pharmaceutical industry to dupe consumers insulting. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and I think I can make a sound judgement about my own mental health and well being. Parents are not just morons who mindlessly do whatever their Doctors tell them to. Furthermore, Doctors and Psychiatrists don't just blindly medicate patients so they will go away. I'm not sure who continues to debate these points other than Scientologists and Tea Party members who also don't believe in evolution.
2. "From my point of view as a family therapist, the various behaviors that we group together and name "ADHD".....have a situational, not a biological, cause. Many parents, for example, find that although their child seems to have ADHD at school, when the child is home-schooled he doesn't have symptoms at all."
Oh, ok now I get it. If your child exhibits ADHD in a public school setting just homeschool them. I'm not sure what you do with them when they are ready to go to College. In all seriousness though, to state that ADHD behaviors are situational again demonstrates a fundamental ignorance of how the condition manifests. When I meet with my accountant to go over my taxes my mind wanders, I'm restless, I'm distracted by the slightest thing, and it takes a great effort to remain focused. When I'm working with a client, or I'm coaching a game, I'm focused, relaxed, and dialed in. If you have ADHD you react to situations the way you do because of your biology.
3. "The parents who find their way to my office through the haze of psychiatric-pharmaceutical propaganda have read the research about the side effects of the speed medications used for ADHD, and they are looking for a saner alternative. These courageous souls are willing to take responsibility for making changes in their own homes to decrease their child's stress and improve the child's emotional health."
I think it's safe to say that this person has an agenda. I'm surprised that the diabolical Psychiatric-Pharmacuetical forces that she seems to be so against haven't tried to somehow silence her. Here's my biggest problem with the statement above: she is condemning those parents who decide to try medication to control their children's ADHD as lazy, irresponsible, and unwilling to "go the extra mile" to help their child. Talk about stigma!
I don't know Marilyn Wedge, PhD. Based on the article she published that I have excerpted above I don't think I want to know her. She doesn't believe that ADHD is a real neurobiological condition. She clearly feels that the Medical community, the Psychiatric community and the Pharmaceutical industry are conspiring to unnecessarily medicate your children. I will let you judge the rest of the article for yourself. In my humble opinion the philosophy of Dr. Wedge, Family Therapist is wrong scientifically, and highly objectionable in its use of moral condemnation. Let us hope that she is one of a dwindling number of old fashioned therapists that will eventually fade into the realm of history.
I don't know much about this person, and I'm sure she means well. However, she begins this article badly and gets worse as she goes. Here are a few tidbits:
1. "Whether ADHD is actually a biological condition (there is no scientific evidence for this), or whether ADHD is a profitable social construction that allows Big Pharma to sell more drugs, is a topic that continues to be debated. (I added the italics).
Ummm, What? There are mountains of scientific evidence going back over 70 years. To say that there is none is either willfully ignorant or dishonest. Furthermore, I find the statement that ADHD is some concoction of the Pharmaceutical industry to dupe consumers insulting. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and I think I can make a sound judgement about my own mental health and well being. Parents are not just morons who mindlessly do whatever their Doctors tell them to. Furthermore, Doctors and Psychiatrists don't just blindly medicate patients so they will go away. I'm not sure who continues to debate these points other than Scientologists and Tea Party members who also don't believe in evolution.
2. "From my point of view as a family therapist, the various behaviors that we group together and name "ADHD".....have a situational, not a biological, cause. Many parents, for example, find that although their child seems to have ADHD at school, when the child is home-schooled he doesn't have symptoms at all."
Oh, ok now I get it. If your child exhibits ADHD in a public school setting just homeschool them. I'm not sure what you do with them when they are ready to go to College. In all seriousness though, to state that ADHD behaviors are situational again demonstrates a fundamental ignorance of how the condition manifests. When I meet with my accountant to go over my taxes my mind wanders, I'm restless, I'm distracted by the slightest thing, and it takes a great effort to remain focused. When I'm working with a client, or I'm coaching a game, I'm focused, relaxed, and dialed in. If you have ADHD you react to situations the way you do because of your biology.
3. "The parents who find their way to my office through the haze of psychiatric-pharmaceutical propaganda have read the research about the side effects of the speed medications used for ADHD, and they are looking for a saner alternative. These courageous souls are willing to take responsibility for making changes in their own homes to decrease their child's stress and improve the child's emotional health."
I think it's safe to say that this person has an agenda. I'm surprised that the diabolical Psychiatric-Pharmacuetical forces that she seems to be so against haven't tried to somehow silence her. Here's my biggest problem with the statement above: she is condemning those parents who decide to try medication to control their children's ADHD as lazy, irresponsible, and unwilling to "go the extra mile" to help their child. Talk about stigma!
I don't know Marilyn Wedge, PhD. Based on the article she published that I have excerpted above I don't think I want to know her. She doesn't believe that ADHD is a real neurobiological condition. She clearly feels that the Medical community, the Psychiatric community and the Pharmaceutical industry are conspiring to unnecessarily medicate your children. I will let you judge the rest of the article for yourself. In my humble opinion the philosophy of Dr. Wedge, Family Therapist is wrong scientifically, and highly objectionable in its use of moral condemnation. Let us hope that she is one of a dwindling number of old fashioned therapists that will eventually fade into the realm of history.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Do I still struggle with my own ADHD? Yes I do!
I thought that I would write a brief piece about things that I still struggle with in regards to ADHD. My reason for doing this is that I would like people to understand that everyone struggles with some aspect of ADHD no matter how long they've been managing it. When I was first diagnosed I went through a euphoric period of time where I thought I had finally "figured it out" and a new golden age of organization and productivity was upon me. After a couple of months I realized that this was not the case. There is a deep desire within all of us to have clarity and firm boundaries in our lives. We all have a fantasy that if we make X amount of money we will officially be successful, or that when we graduate from college we will officially be an adult. Unfortunately life simply doesn't operate that way. Managing ADHD is a daily task that will lead to improvement, but it will not make us who we are not. Finding a way to manage daily life and coming to understand and accept our limitations is a critical step in treating ADHD.
Here are some areas I still wrestle with:
1. Transitions: I'm much better at moving from one activity to the next, but I still struggle with the transition from sleeping to wakefulness, from work to rest, from focus on my professional responsibilities to my family responsibilities. I am able to make the transitions, but there is a brief period of uneasiness that used to cause me to procrastinate or avoid things. Now that I understand it better I'm able to work through the uneasiness and move to a new activity or sphere of my life.
2. Organization: I am organized in the sense that I try to structure my day and I meet my appointments and obligations on time. My personal spaces can go through periods of clutter and chaos followed by periods of neatness.
3. Task initiation: If I know how to do something, or I know where to begin doing something I can generally get started without any problem. If I'm confronted with a task that I'm unfamiliar with or seems like there is no easy sense of where to begin I tend to struggle.
4. Interruptions: If I'm working on something like this blog post and I'm interrupted I can usually get back to where I was without too much trouble. If I'm repeatedly interrupted my concentration dissolves and I find myself becoming irritable.
Will the above areas ever improve? Sure, I think over time they will. The key thing about these things is that I'm aware of them. Now I know that I need help if a project requires a lot of organizational work. I know to shut off my phone and close my email if I have a project to complete. Being aware of our limitations and finding the right set of coping strategies is the key to living a better life with ADHD. You can't change your brain and how it operates, but by becoming self aware you can begin the process of making your environment and support structures more appropriate for who you are.
Here are some areas I still wrestle with:
1. Transitions: I'm much better at moving from one activity to the next, but I still struggle with the transition from sleeping to wakefulness, from work to rest, from focus on my professional responsibilities to my family responsibilities. I am able to make the transitions, but there is a brief period of uneasiness that used to cause me to procrastinate or avoid things. Now that I understand it better I'm able to work through the uneasiness and move to a new activity or sphere of my life.
2. Organization: I am organized in the sense that I try to structure my day and I meet my appointments and obligations on time. My personal spaces can go through periods of clutter and chaos followed by periods of neatness.
3. Task initiation: If I know how to do something, or I know where to begin doing something I can generally get started without any problem. If I'm confronted with a task that I'm unfamiliar with or seems like there is no easy sense of where to begin I tend to struggle.
4. Interruptions: If I'm working on something like this blog post and I'm interrupted I can usually get back to where I was without too much trouble. If I'm repeatedly interrupted my concentration dissolves and I find myself becoming irritable.
Will the above areas ever improve? Sure, I think over time they will. The key thing about these things is that I'm aware of them. Now I know that I need help if a project requires a lot of organizational work. I know to shut off my phone and close my email if I have a project to complete. Being aware of our limitations and finding the right set of coping strategies is the key to living a better life with ADHD. You can't change your brain and how it operates, but by becoming self aware you can begin the process of making your environment and support structures more appropriate for who you are.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The search for consistency
The most frustrating thing about ADHD for those of us that have it and for those who routinely interact with us is our tendency toward inconsistency in many areas. In fact I would argue that it is this lack of consistency that has led to the unkind perception that ADHD is little more than an excuse for a lack of effort. What's insidious about this perception is that even in our own minds we are subject to the sense that we could have or should have tried harder. In all areas of our lives we can feel a sense we are letting people down because we can't do things the same way for extended periods of time. There is the enduring story of the teacher shaking their head and wondering aloud what a student could be if they only "applied themselves". There is the disappointed employer who sees a promising staff member constantly shooting themselves in the foot. Finally there is the exasperated spouse who is ready to tear out his or her hair over the behavior of their partner. They don't get it. "What's so hard about this?" they ask. We sit there sheepishly and apologize. We promise we will try harder. In our minds we are asking ourselves the same questions. And so it goes; we feel badly because we are inconsistent. We vow to do better. Inevitably it seems, we fall back into old habits and are chastised either externally or internally. We feel badly, and the cycle starts again. It's a terrible, vicious cycle that I believe leads to the extraordinary number of people who suffer from anxiety and depression in addition to ADHD.
In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken. One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent. This isn't true at all. They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities. Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in. I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time. She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning." After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest. She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning. I pointed out that she may want to look at the situation in a different way. Right now she was consistently sleeping late. The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed. By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.
To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:
1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble. Be specific. " I want to do better at the office" is too vague. " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource. Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you. Talk about your plans for improvement. Again, be specific. Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable. Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well. Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.
Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up. We all want to show up consistently in our lives. If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help. Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier. Then find someone to help you get things going.
In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken. One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent. This isn't true at all. They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities. Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in. I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time. She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning." After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest. She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning. I pointed out that she may want to look at the situation in a different way. Right now she was consistently sleeping late. The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed. By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.
To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:
1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble. Be specific. " I want to do better at the office" is too vague. " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource. Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you. Talk about your plans for improvement. Again, be specific. Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable. Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well. Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.
Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up. We all want to show up consistently in our lives. If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help. Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier. Then find someone to help you get things going.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Change is hard. Coaches can help.
I do two kinds of coaching: one is ADHD coaching where I collaborate with my clients to facilitate positive changes in their lives. The other kind of coaching is athletic coaching; specifically softball at the middle school level. There my role is teach players how to perform certain actions and to educate them about the game and their role in it. In both coaching arenas I often see someone who continues to perform a task or routine in a way that they are frustrated with. My ADHD coaching clients frequently get upset by the fact that no matter how hard they try they seem to fall back into old patterns of procrastination or disorganization. My softball players are upset by the fact that they look at a called third strike when they know they should swing, or continually misplay a fly ball. In both cases the individuals in question have made an effort to change, but found the effort so mentally or physically tiring that they unconsciously reverted to old patterns or techniques that they no longer want to pursue.
Why is it so hard to change these existing patterns? New research into the ways the human brain functions have led to some insight. I am far from an expert in this area, but here is how I understand what the current line of thought (no pun intended) indicates: The brain has to process a staggering amount of information all of the time, but our conscious mind can only handle so much at once. Habits are formed so that we can unconsciously manage easy, familiar activities and concentrate on new challenges or stimuli. This sounds like a good way to handle things right up until you want to change the way you are doing something. Suddenly you are trying to undo some very hardwired items in your brain. An extreme example would be someone who decided they would like to learn to write with their left hand instead of their right hand. It's going to take a lot of hard work and practice before doing so would feel at all natural.
When I coach softball players I talk about building "muscle memory". Of course your muscles aren't building memories, but you are reinforcing a habitual way to field a ground ball so that during a game you can concentrate on things like the game situation. When I work with kids or adults with ADHD I keep reminding them that it will take time and practice to build new pathways in their brains as they try to develop new ways of doing things. Part of my role in both areas is to encourage the new behavior, remind the person about the reasons for it, and recognize the success my player or client is having.
If you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD and are finding it difficult to change old patterns or create new habits I would strongly encourage you to explore how an ADHD Coach can help.
Think of them as a personal trainer at the gym, or a pro on the golf course. They are there to offer guidance, support, and accountability. They can provide you with valuable feedback, and offer suggestions on new strategies to try. Ultimately change is up to the individual, but going it alone can be awfully hard. For more information on finding an ADHD Coach in your area, visit CHADD's website at www.chadd.org and click on "finding support". The right coach can make all the difference in the world if you're an athlete; the same is true if you have ADHD.
Why is it so hard to change these existing patterns? New research into the ways the human brain functions have led to some insight. I am far from an expert in this area, but here is how I understand what the current line of thought (no pun intended) indicates: The brain has to process a staggering amount of information all of the time, but our conscious mind can only handle so much at once. Habits are formed so that we can unconsciously manage easy, familiar activities and concentrate on new challenges or stimuli. This sounds like a good way to handle things right up until you want to change the way you are doing something. Suddenly you are trying to undo some very hardwired items in your brain. An extreme example would be someone who decided they would like to learn to write with their left hand instead of their right hand. It's going to take a lot of hard work and practice before doing so would feel at all natural.
When I coach softball players I talk about building "muscle memory". Of course your muscles aren't building memories, but you are reinforcing a habitual way to field a ground ball so that during a game you can concentrate on things like the game situation. When I work with kids or adults with ADHD I keep reminding them that it will take time and practice to build new pathways in their brains as they try to develop new ways of doing things. Part of my role in both areas is to encourage the new behavior, remind the person about the reasons for it, and recognize the success my player or client is having.
If you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD and are finding it difficult to change old patterns or create new habits I would strongly encourage you to explore how an ADHD Coach can help.
Think of them as a personal trainer at the gym, or a pro on the golf course. They are there to offer guidance, support, and accountability. They can provide you with valuable feedback, and offer suggestions on new strategies to try. Ultimately change is up to the individual, but going it alone can be awfully hard. For more information on finding an ADHD Coach in your area, visit CHADD's website at www.chadd.org and click on "finding support". The right coach can make all the difference in the world if you're an athlete; the same is true if you have ADHD.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Let's take shame out of the equation
Let's face it; shame is an emotion no one likes. When I talk about shame I want to be clear that it's different than embarrassment; being embarrassed can happen through no fault of your own. Shame feels bad because right or wrong the feeling is that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is all your fault. People with ADHD are familiar with the feeling of shame because they spend a good deal of time feeling ashamed. Things that other people can do without any trouble are a huge struggle. You forget about a commitment you have made. Your finances are a mess. Your grades are terrible. You're in trouble at work. Everything that's happened is because you haven't tried hard enough, procrastinated too long, or just plain didn't do it. I vividly recall the feelings of shame landing on me like a ton of bricks. My usual mental refrain went something like this: what the hell is wrong with me?
In order to become the person you want to be you need to seek treatment. I've spoken at length in past blog posts about the various components of what that treatment can look like. One really critical factor that I've never really touched on before is trying to take shame out of the equation. Now before we get too far I just want to mention that there are some practical aspects to the emotions associated with shame and embarrassment; as Dr. Ari Tuckman said in one of his excellent podcasts about ADHD "a little bit of shame is good; it helps to keep you honest." (I'm paraphrasing here, that may not be an exact quote. Check out his podcast, it's really good. You can find it on his website at www.adultadhdbook.com or on iTunes). But too much shame is unhealthy. After years of castigating ourselves for behaviors that were a result of untreated ADHD it's very easy to fall into the old habit of feeling ashamed when we make a mistake.
Taking excessive shame out of the equation involves learning new ways to see situations as they unfold. Let's say for example that you had made a commitment to your spouse that you would attend to a few chores around the house. Well, a few weeks go by and you haven't completed them. Actually, several haven't been started. When your spouse asks what the hold up is, you can react in a few different ways: when shame is present you may react angrily; "I've got a lot going on right now, I'll get it done when I get it done!" or you may react sheepishly; "I know, it should have been done a long time ago. Why do you put up with me?" But if you take shame out of the equation there's a whole new way to react; with reason. "Your right, I committed to getting these things done and I haven't gotten through the whole list yet. Thanks for giving me a nudge. I need that sometimes."
The thing to keep in mind are my two Golden Rules for Eliminating Shame:
Rule Number One: No one is perfect.
Rule Number Two: When you begin to feel ashamed, please refer back to rule number one.
If you know in your heart that you are making a legitimate effort in any endeavor, but fall a little short now and then you can safely acknowledge that fact. You can apologize, make amends, and move forward without feeling badly about yourself. If you make a mistake own up to it. Give yourself credit for the things you have been doing well. Shame can be a destructive emotion. Learning to keep things in perspective and minimizing shame is an important step in treating your ADHD.
In order to become the person you want to be you need to seek treatment. I've spoken at length in past blog posts about the various components of what that treatment can look like. One really critical factor that I've never really touched on before is trying to take shame out of the equation. Now before we get too far I just want to mention that there are some practical aspects to the emotions associated with shame and embarrassment; as Dr. Ari Tuckman said in one of his excellent podcasts about ADHD "a little bit of shame is good; it helps to keep you honest." (I'm paraphrasing here, that may not be an exact quote. Check out his podcast, it's really good. You can find it on his website at www.adultadhdbook.com or on iTunes). But too much shame is unhealthy. After years of castigating ourselves for behaviors that were a result of untreated ADHD it's very easy to fall into the old habit of feeling ashamed when we make a mistake.
Taking excessive shame out of the equation involves learning new ways to see situations as they unfold. Let's say for example that you had made a commitment to your spouse that you would attend to a few chores around the house. Well, a few weeks go by and you haven't completed them. Actually, several haven't been started. When your spouse asks what the hold up is, you can react in a few different ways: when shame is present you may react angrily; "I've got a lot going on right now, I'll get it done when I get it done!" or you may react sheepishly; "I know, it should have been done a long time ago. Why do you put up with me?" But if you take shame out of the equation there's a whole new way to react; with reason. "Your right, I committed to getting these things done and I haven't gotten through the whole list yet. Thanks for giving me a nudge. I need that sometimes."
The thing to keep in mind are my two Golden Rules for Eliminating Shame:
Rule Number One: No one is perfect.
Rule Number Two: When you begin to feel ashamed, please refer back to rule number one.
If you know in your heart that you are making a legitimate effort in any endeavor, but fall a little short now and then you can safely acknowledge that fact. You can apologize, make amends, and move forward without feeling badly about yourself. If you make a mistake own up to it. Give yourself credit for the things you have been doing well. Shame can be a destructive emotion. Learning to keep things in perspective and minimizing shame is an important step in treating your ADHD.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Is ADHD a gift? Not so fast....
I have read a number of books, articles, and commentary about the idea that ADHD is a gift that we should embrace. There are undoubtedly a lot of things about ADHD that become so intertwined with someone's personality that it's hard to see where they leave off and the ADHD begins. You can find people who attribute their success to ADHD and others who will state that medication dulls the "edge" they get from the condition. The problem with discussing ADHD in this fashion is that it employs a false dichotomy,(look Mom, I'm using that Philosophy degree!). To state that it is a gift gives us only one alternative; that is that it is an undesirable thing or for lack of a better term a curse. This then frames the discussion in absolute terms and invites us to take sides: it's good, it's bad, it's the source of my success, it's the cause of my failure.
People like to have clear choices and alternatives when they look at things because it simplifies the thought process. It's so much easier and powerful to state an opinion that is absolute and firm. We don't like ambiguity or uncertainty. This is undoubtedly a survival trait that is written into our DNA. Our ancestors didn't have the luxury of uncertainty. They needed to know that the water was safe to drink, or the plant was edible, or that the saber tooth tiger was gone. Absolute certainty was necessary when one poor choice could get you eaten. But here in the 21st century, this mode of thinking can be counter productive and distract us from having a substantive conversation about a topic like ADHD. I would argue that for many of the people effected by the disorder, it has been at times a gift, at times a curse, and at some points a little bit of both.
ADHD as a condition effects areas of the brain that manage executive functions. These are the things that allow us to organize and plan, delay gratification, restrain our impulses, manage transitions from one activity to the next, and initiate and complete tasks. The executive functions are kind of like the teacher in Kindergarten; when you have someone who is strong, good with children, and experienced the class runs smoothly. Put a less competent person in charge and it can be chaos. When we think of the positives and negatives of ADHD it would seem to make the most sense to look at the benefits of executive function impairment versus the detriments.
An ability to jump from thought to thought and make connections that are not readily apparent can be a tremendous skill for someone who is involved in a creative endeavor or problem solving exercise. However, the inability to organize and plan effectively surrounding those thoughts can be a great detriment. Likewise, a person's spontaneity or impulsiveness can be a charming, endearing trait to a new romantic interest. Fast forward twenty years and that once endearing quality can be a huge source of friction in a marriage. The ability to hyper focus on one activity for many hours at a time is a great boon to a computer programmer; if that same programmer becomes the CEO of a software company, it may become extremely difficult for that individual to manage the multiple tasks and priorities they are confronted with.
So is ADHD a gift? I would argue that we need to be careful about thinking in absolutes. It is neither a gift nor a curse. It is a neurophysiological condition present in 7 to 15 percent of the population. It should not be viewed as somehow enhancing who we are as a person, nor should it be allowed to detract from who we are. We are not our ADHD. It is a part of us and always will be. As such, we will continue to have good days and bad days, ups and downs. The best recommendation I can make is feel good about the strengths and talents you have and don't attribute them to some outside force. You deserve to think well of yourself. As far as faults are concerned everyone has them. Accept yours for what they are and do your best to mitigate them. You control the person you are and the life you live. Don't let anyone or anything take that away from you.
People like to have clear choices and alternatives when they look at things because it simplifies the thought process. It's so much easier and powerful to state an opinion that is absolute and firm. We don't like ambiguity or uncertainty. This is undoubtedly a survival trait that is written into our DNA. Our ancestors didn't have the luxury of uncertainty. They needed to know that the water was safe to drink, or the plant was edible, or that the saber tooth tiger was gone. Absolute certainty was necessary when one poor choice could get you eaten. But here in the 21st century, this mode of thinking can be counter productive and distract us from having a substantive conversation about a topic like ADHD. I would argue that for many of the people effected by the disorder, it has been at times a gift, at times a curse, and at some points a little bit of both.
ADHD as a condition effects areas of the brain that manage executive functions. These are the things that allow us to organize and plan, delay gratification, restrain our impulses, manage transitions from one activity to the next, and initiate and complete tasks. The executive functions are kind of like the teacher in Kindergarten; when you have someone who is strong, good with children, and experienced the class runs smoothly. Put a less competent person in charge and it can be chaos. When we think of the positives and negatives of ADHD it would seem to make the most sense to look at the benefits of executive function impairment versus the detriments.
An ability to jump from thought to thought and make connections that are not readily apparent can be a tremendous skill for someone who is involved in a creative endeavor or problem solving exercise. However, the inability to organize and plan effectively surrounding those thoughts can be a great detriment. Likewise, a person's spontaneity or impulsiveness can be a charming, endearing trait to a new romantic interest. Fast forward twenty years and that once endearing quality can be a huge source of friction in a marriage. The ability to hyper focus on one activity for many hours at a time is a great boon to a computer programmer; if that same programmer becomes the CEO of a software company, it may become extremely difficult for that individual to manage the multiple tasks and priorities they are confronted with.
So is ADHD a gift? I would argue that we need to be careful about thinking in absolutes. It is neither a gift nor a curse. It is a neurophysiological condition present in 7 to 15 percent of the population. It should not be viewed as somehow enhancing who we are as a person, nor should it be allowed to detract from who we are. We are not our ADHD. It is a part of us and always will be. As such, we will continue to have good days and bad days, ups and downs. The best recommendation I can make is feel good about the strengths and talents you have and don't attribute them to some outside force. You deserve to think well of yourself. As far as faults are concerned everyone has them. Accept yours for what they are and do your best to mitigate them. You control the person you are and the life you live. Don't let anyone or anything take that away from you.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Curse of Too Much Time?
Sometimes it feels like you have all the time in the world. You get up an hour early, or your expected appointment had to re-schedule. Or perhaps you just have a quiet day and you want to get some things done and crossed off your to do list. For many people these days are tremendously productive. For those of us with ADHD however, these days are tricky. We struggle with initiating tasks and organizing our time. For example a college student may not have a class until 10 or 11 in the morning, and would like to spend the morning hours going to the gym, or doing homework. He or she finds that this is more difficult in practice; they may sleep too late and end up getting nothing done. They may get up early enough, but spend the time puttering around their dorm room instead of studying or working out. Likewise, adults may find that their plans to use time constructively are harder to put into practice than they expected. You may head to the office early hoping to get caught up on work or get a jump on the day, but end up detouring to Starbuck's to get a latte and read the newspaper.
Maybe you recognize yourself or someone you know in the above examples. I have come to believe that people with ADHD suffer from the "curse of too much time". Or to put it another way, you could express this as an immutable law of ADHD: Without specific structured plans time will never be used for the purposes that it was intended for. How can you ensure that your time is used productively? How can you get things started so you can build momentum towards a productive day? Here are a few essentials to keep in mind:
1. Being productive doesn't happen just because you want it to. You need a plan! And not just a list, although that's not a bad start. You need to sit down and decide what you want to get done, what you will need to get it done, and how much time you'll need to do it. Cleaning out the basement on a day that the local dump is closed may not be the best idea.
2. Have a back up plan; if you take the day off to get some painting done what are you going to do if it rains?
3. Make preparations before you begin. If you plan to hit the gym in the morning before work pack your bag and have everything else needed ready to go the night before.
4. Be reasonable about what you can get done with the time you have. Two hours may be plenty of time to balance your checkbook and pay bills but it may not be enough time to drive across town to go shopping.
5. Every now and then, take that extra two hours and just let it pass by. Read, sleep in, enjoy a movie you've wanted to see, or indulge in some other pastime. We all need rest and recreation. Not every waking moment has to be 100% productive.
Having some free time can be a blessing or a curse. Plan your free time carefully and you may find you have more of it than you thought!
Maybe you recognize yourself or someone you know in the above examples. I have come to believe that people with ADHD suffer from the "curse of too much time". Or to put it another way, you could express this as an immutable law of ADHD: Without specific structured plans time will never be used for the purposes that it was intended for. How can you ensure that your time is used productively? How can you get things started so you can build momentum towards a productive day? Here are a few essentials to keep in mind:
1. Being productive doesn't happen just because you want it to. You need a plan! And not just a list, although that's not a bad start. You need to sit down and decide what you want to get done, what you will need to get it done, and how much time you'll need to do it. Cleaning out the basement on a day that the local dump is closed may not be the best idea.
2. Have a back up plan; if you take the day off to get some painting done what are you going to do if it rains?
3. Make preparations before you begin. If you plan to hit the gym in the morning before work pack your bag and have everything else needed ready to go the night before.
4. Be reasonable about what you can get done with the time you have. Two hours may be plenty of time to balance your checkbook and pay bills but it may not be enough time to drive across town to go shopping.
5. Every now and then, take that extra two hours and just let it pass by. Read, sleep in, enjoy a movie you've wanted to see, or indulge in some other pastime. We all need rest and recreation. Not every waking moment has to be 100% productive.
Having some free time can be a blessing or a curse. Plan your free time carefully and you may find you have more of it than you thought!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Vacations and ADHD
It's the time of year when most families plan their vacations. If you have a member (or members) of the family with ADHD it's good to keep in mind that routines and plans are still necessary. For example, if a spouse has ADHD they will often wait until the last minute to get packed and inevitably forget something essential. The spouse or parent without ADHD can feel like they have to make all the arrangements to be away, pack the car, and make sure everyone else is packed. Teenagers can become difficult because their normal routine is being disrupted, and their parents are getting after them. Without thinking ahead this is a recipe for a bad and stressful start to what should be an enjoyable time of renewal. Here are some ideas and tips to help make vacation a little more enjoyable.
1. When getting ready to go away make a list of all the thing that will need to be taken care of. Then divide the list accordingly. Keep in mind that asking your spouse with ADHD to be responsible for things like stopping the paper, forwarding mail, or arranging for cat sitting may not be the best idea. Likewise, expecting your teenager to enthusiastically mow the lawn just prior to departure may also be unrealistic. Remember to pick tasks that you are good at and have a better than even chance of completing.
2. Make a plan and stick to it. If you want to leave at 8 a.m. make sure everyone knows well in advance that 8 a.m. will be the departure time, and then work backwards to determine when bags will need to be packed, when people will need to be awake, etc.
3. Make a list of everything you need and want to bring for the trip, and then use it when your packing.
4. Make sure you will have an adequate supply of your medications for the duration of your trip.
5. While the GPS has eliminated many of the hassles of traveling in unfamiliar areas, it's always a good idea to have a back up in the form of an old fashioned map.
6. Even though you're on vacation it's good to have some kind of structure to the day. Building the day around a particular activity or event will allow you to have fun without bickering over when something is going to happen during any given day.
7. Finally remember that vacations are about rest and renewal. If you find that going away is almost as stressful as being home and going to work or school some soul searching is in order. It could be that your idea of what a vacation is needs to change.
Nothing is ever perfect, but a little planning, structure, and discussion will go a long way towards making your family's summer vacation a little more enjoyable.
1. When getting ready to go away make a list of all the thing that will need to be taken care of. Then divide the list accordingly. Keep in mind that asking your spouse with ADHD to be responsible for things like stopping the paper, forwarding mail, or arranging for cat sitting may not be the best idea. Likewise, expecting your teenager to enthusiastically mow the lawn just prior to departure may also be unrealistic. Remember to pick tasks that you are good at and have a better than even chance of completing.
2. Make a plan and stick to it. If you want to leave at 8 a.m. make sure everyone knows well in advance that 8 a.m. will be the departure time, and then work backwards to determine when bags will need to be packed, when people will need to be awake, etc.
3. Make a list of everything you need and want to bring for the trip, and then use it when your packing.
4. Make sure you will have an adequate supply of your medications for the duration of your trip.
5. While the GPS has eliminated many of the hassles of traveling in unfamiliar areas, it's always a good idea to have a back up in the form of an old fashioned map.
6. Even though you're on vacation it's good to have some kind of structure to the day. Building the day around a particular activity or event will allow you to have fun without bickering over when something is going to happen during any given day.
7. Finally remember that vacations are about rest and renewal. If you find that going away is almost as stressful as being home and going to work or school some soul searching is in order. It could be that your idea of what a vacation is needs to change.
Nothing is ever perfect, but a little planning, structure, and discussion will go a long way towards making your family's summer vacation a little more enjoyable.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Will to Wake: Why morning is the toughest transition some people face
It's no secret that many people with ADHD have a hard time getting up and going in the morning. Some of the classic stories involve hitting the snooze button multiple times, sleeping through the alarm, getting up to shut the alarm off and then going back to bed, or waking up but having such low energy that they might as well be sleeping. They do this in spite of the fact that they have school, work, or other commitments to tend to. Our society in general is exceptionally intolerant of people who can't get out of bed in the morning. We tend to view these people as lazy, undisciplined, unmotivated, or simply incapable of handling the responsibilities that others can. Even those who have been diagnosed with ADHD still feel frustration over this most fundamental of transitions; simply put it's hard to wake up.
What is behind this difficulty? My reading and research has lead me to the conclusion that the mind of someone with ADHD has difficulty activating itself. A person without ADHD will set their alarm for 6:00 a.m. for example in order to make sure they are up in time to get ready and head to work or school. When the alarm goes off they may hit the snooze button, but by and large, they are up. Why? Their brains take very little time to activate. "Ok" their subconscious says, "time to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, and get out the door." That's all they need. They get moving.
Now contrast this with the brain of a person with ADHD. The alarm goes off. They hit snooze. the alarm goes off again. They hit snooze again. It hasn't really registered that it's time to wake up. There's a vague notion that they should get moving, but no real urgency. The urgency only comes when the realize they will be late and there will be dire consequences. Or, they may not be able to rouse themselves at all. There are many parents out there that have fought battle after battle to get their teen out the door and at school on time. There are also countless adults who are smart, talented and capable, yet they end up losing their jobs or are held back in their careers because of their inability to manage getting to work or to meetings on time.
This is one of the most vexing aspects of ADHD and it impacts many people on a deeply personal level; they feel bad about themselves for not getting up on time, and they receive feedback that is negative about their inability to get up and get going. So every day begins with a struggle against your physiology that you think you’re a failure because you can’t overcome it. It’s a tough way to live. Think of someone who is only five feet tall who lives in a world that’s built for people six feet tall and above. Yes, you can reach everything on the lower shelves, but a lot of things are a struggle. You just can’t make yourself any taller, and everyone seems to be telling you that you should be able to. What’s needed in this scenario is a stepladder; or, to bring this back to ADHD what’s needed are new strategies and new routines to aid you with becoming better able to get moving when you wake up.
The first thing to look at is this: what can you change about your life that would give you more time or a schedule that is a better fit for the kind of person you are? Can you change your work or class schedule? Can you make preparations the night before so there is less to do in the morning? Could you relocate so you are closer to your job or school? What about your evening routine? Are you getting to bed early enough so you are well rested? Do you need to look at dietary or lifestyle changes? Are you exercising enough? These are all considerations you should look at. Small changes in any of these areas can reap great rewards. If you were to pack your bag and iron your shirt the night before work you could potentially save 30 minutes. That’s 30 more minutes you could sleep, or use to get out the door earlier.
The next thing to look at is introducing new ideas to help with you with the struggle you may have in the morning. Is your alarm clock working for you, or do you simply tune it out? There are dozens of different alarm clocks out there, and some are specially designed with the needs of people with ADHD. Do you take stimulant medications? If it is safe to do so, try keeping them on your bedside table, and taking them the first minute or so you are awake. Even if you hit the snooze button, they will eventually begin the activation process in your brain. If you find that having other people expecting you somewhere by a certain time is a motivation perhaps joining a car pool might work well for you. If you love getting a coffee or other drink at a shop near where your classes are held or the office use that as an incentive to get out the door earlier. Being on time means that that latte is waiting for you. Being late means forgoing the latte for that day. Of course, if you’re an adult you could always decide to have children. That will certainly get you up whether you like it or not!
There are legitimate medical reasons that may be causing you to have problems waking up. Speak with your doctor or medication manager if you have concerns that anything you may be taking is the cause of your morning issues. Also try to remember that perfection is rarely attainable. You will probably have a morning here or there where things don’t go as planned. The key thing to remember is that you are not a passive victim. You can take action to help you get up and get going.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Returning from Sabbatical
I've been on an unannounced sabbatical from blogging and social media in general for the last few weeks. It all started because the month of May became simply impossible from a scheduling standpoint, and then I had a series of emotional events involving family members; some good, some bad. Back in the old days I would have sunk into what I called a "black mood" for several weeks and just stayed there until I came out of it.
However my brain chemistry and my outlook on life is different these days. While I didn't do a lot of writing I tried to stay focused on my clients, my family and my health. Now I'm on the other side of a tough period and I feel better.
Stress makes my ADHD worse. I experienced this first hand, and there were times I could feel myself getting frustrated over mistakes and omissions. However, I kept telling myself to breathe deep and recognize that I was doing the best I could. This is all any of us can do.
I'm looking forward to getting back to a more regular writing schedule. I'm also grateful that calmer times have returned to my life.
However my brain chemistry and my outlook on life is different these days. While I didn't do a lot of writing I tried to stay focused on my clients, my family and my health. Now I'm on the other side of a tough period and I feel better.
Stress makes my ADHD worse. I experienced this first hand, and there were times I could feel myself getting frustrated over mistakes and omissions. However, I kept telling myself to breathe deep and recognize that I was doing the best I could. This is all any of us can do.
I'm looking forward to getting back to a more regular writing schedule. I'm also grateful that calmer times have returned to my life.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Keeping Time with ADHD Part Three: The curse of overscheduling
I'm not even sure if overscheduling is a word, but it's my blog and I'm going with it. Everyone is capable of getting themselves into a situation where they are overscheduled. Any parent can tell you that if your kids play sports or are involved in other activities, having more things to attend than time allows is fairly regular occurrence. In our society today almost everyone is being confronted with the pressure of career, family, and social events crowding our schedules to the breaking point. It's no wonder that for someone with ADHD, a crowded busy calendar often leads to disaster. Here's an overview of what can go wrong:
First, many people with ADHD have a hard time keeping a calendar or day timer updated with any consistency. Most people will try to write down their appointments and the locations of the appointments, but there are always those instances where they forget. Secondly we have already discussed how people with ADHD completely underestimate the time required for a given task or activity. They build an hour into their schedule for something that will take two hours, and then spend the rest of the day playing catch up. Third people with ADHD can have a hard time saying no to activities or opportunities. Many will impulsively say yes before checking their calendars, and then realize they have other commitments. Rather than back out they will often try to find a way to do it all. Finally people with ADHD can become overwhelmed or overloaded when there's too much to do and not enough time to do it. They can withdraw and simply shut down due to mental exhaustion. It's not pretty when this happens, because it sets up a vicious cycle with the person wanting to prove themselves and taking on too much again and again.
What can you do to avoid over scheduling yourself? Here are a few strategies that I have used myself and have also seen my client's use:
1. Identify your priorities and build around them. If you want to make sure you attend your child's Little league games then book them in your calendar and don't allow other things to interfere.
2. Find a calendar that works for you. There are a lot of scheduling tools out there. Look for one that "speaks to you" in that you find it easy to use and maintain.
3. Never agree to taking on a new activity until you check your calendar first.
4. Look at what you are doing now. Is it too much? What can be dropped or outsourced?
5. Be mindful of needing time for self care and maintenance. Make sure you are booking time in your calendar for getting exercise, going to the grocery store, cleaning your house, and spending down time with family or friends.
Our world today is hectic and fast paced for everyone. If you have ADHD you owe it to yourself to be vigilant about your time, and not allow yourself to become overwhelmed with activities and commitments. Life is more than just a series of meetings!
First, many people with ADHD have a hard time keeping a calendar or day timer updated with any consistency. Most people will try to write down their appointments and the locations of the appointments, but there are always those instances where they forget. Secondly we have already discussed how people with ADHD completely underestimate the time required for a given task or activity. They build an hour into their schedule for something that will take two hours, and then spend the rest of the day playing catch up. Third people with ADHD can have a hard time saying no to activities or opportunities. Many will impulsively say yes before checking their calendars, and then realize they have other commitments. Rather than back out they will often try to find a way to do it all. Finally people with ADHD can become overwhelmed or overloaded when there's too much to do and not enough time to do it. They can withdraw and simply shut down due to mental exhaustion. It's not pretty when this happens, because it sets up a vicious cycle with the person wanting to prove themselves and taking on too much again and again.
What can you do to avoid over scheduling yourself? Here are a few strategies that I have used myself and have also seen my client's use:
1. Identify your priorities and build around them. If you want to make sure you attend your child's Little league games then book them in your calendar and don't allow other things to interfere.
2. Find a calendar that works for you. There are a lot of scheduling tools out there. Look for one that "speaks to you" in that you find it easy to use and maintain.
3. Never agree to taking on a new activity until you check your calendar first.
4. Look at what you are doing now. Is it too much? What can be dropped or outsourced?
5. Be mindful of needing time for self care and maintenance. Make sure you are booking time in your calendar for getting exercise, going to the grocery store, cleaning your house, and spending down time with family or friends.
Our world today is hectic and fast paced for everyone. If you have ADHD you owe it to yourself to be vigilant about your time, and not allow yourself to become overwhelmed with activities and commitments. Life is more than just a series of meetings!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Keeping Time with ADHD Part two: Why Does everything take so long?
If you have ADHD you may find yourself wondering why everything takes so long to do. It could be anything from paying bills to mowing the lawn, to projects around the house. Days just seem to slip away, and very few items get crossed off that "to do" list. At work it can be even more frustrating: that spreadsheet or presentation sucks up hours of time, and you find yourself behind on other work. It just seems like no matter what you do the tasks just take forever.
People with ADHD are notoriously poor at estimating the amount of time it takes to do something. If they need to be at a meeting across town they think to themselves like this: "My meeting tomorrow is at 9:30 in the morning. It will take me about 30 minutes to get there, so I'll leave at 8:50. That should give me plenty of time." There are several things wrong with this pattern of thinking. First, the ADHD mind is concerned only with a deadline: I need to leave by 8:50. What's unsaid is that the time between waking up and leaving is now just open. And open blocks of time are like quicksand for someone with ADHD. The nature of the condition means that all kinds of things start popping up to get our attention when what should be happening is we need to get ready for our meeting. Suddenly, we realize it's 8:30 and we haven't showered yet! And then we don't know where our car keys are, or where our folder is. Then we forget that we have to stop for gas, then we hit traffic! A simple 30 minute drive to an appointment turns into an avoidable hour of hellish self recrimination.
What we need to recognize is that although we don't have to leave until 8:50, there's a lot of stuff we need to do before we leave. Let's take another look at the scenario above, only this time this person has had a lot of good ADHD coaching and has developed some good strategies. " My meeting tomorrow is at 9:30. It will take about a half hour to get there, so I'll need to leave at 8:50. If I need to leave at 8:50, I better make sure that I'm showered and dressed no later than 8:15. That will give me a half hour to pull all of the stuff I need together; hmm, on second thought I better pull it together tonight. That's safer. I also better check the gas gauge in the car after I get my stuff together to make sure I won't have to stop for gas in the morning. I also better account for traffic. Probably should set an alert on my smart phone for 8:40 to get moving. Even if I'm really early, I'll have time to find a parking spot."
Forward planning like this is difficult for people with Executive Functioning difficulties, but it's a critical tool in shortening the time it takes to accomplish a task. Here are some key tips to keeping the time you spend on things efficient:
1. Make sure you sit down and think about everything you'll need to do a job, whatever that job is. Having everything you need before you start saves time.
2. Block out dedicated time to complete specific tasks.
3. Consider carefully whether the task you are trying to accomplish is do-able in the time allotted. Also consider whether the situation at work or home is conducive to that task. Painting the house isn't going to get done if you have company coming and going all day long.
4. Know your limits. There is only so much that can be done in the course of the day.
5. Learn to under promise and over deliver. If you think a project will take five days, offer to have it done in eight. If you get it done in seven you look good.
6. Discipline yourself to say no to something that may sound interesting, but that you know will play havoc with your current schedule. Mental and physical overload leads to a far less productive day.
I hope you find these tips and thoughts helpful. Tomorrow I'm going to delve into the topic of over scheduling in more detail, and talk about strategies to help avoid it, or at least minimize it.
People with ADHD are notoriously poor at estimating the amount of time it takes to do something. If they need to be at a meeting across town they think to themselves like this: "My meeting tomorrow is at 9:30 in the morning. It will take me about 30 minutes to get there, so I'll leave at 8:50. That should give me plenty of time." There are several things wrong with this pattern of thinking. First, the ADHD mind is concerned only with a deadline: I need to leave by 8:50. What's unsaid is that the time between waking up and leaving is now just open. And open blocks of time are like quicksand for someone with ADHD. The nature of the condition means that all kinds of things start popping up to get our attention when what should be happening is we need to get ready for our meeting. Suddenly, we realize it's 8:30 and we haven't showered yet! And then we don't know where our car keys are, or where our folder is. Then we forget that we have to stop for gas, then we hit traffic! A simple 30 minute drive to an appointment turns into an avoidable hour of hellish self recrimination.
What we need to recognize is that although we don't have to leave until 8:50, there's a lot of stuff we need to do before we leave. Let's take another look at the scenario above, only this time this person has had a lot of good ADHD coaching and has developed some good strategies. " My meeting tomorrow is at 9:30. It will take about a half hour to get there, so I'll need to leave at 8:50. If I need to leave at 8:50, I better make sure that I'm showered and dressed no later than 8:15. That will give me a half hour to pull all of the stuff I need together; hmm, on second thought I better pull it together tonight. That's safer. I also better check the gas gauge in the car after I get my stuff together to make sure I won't have to stop for gas in the morning. I also better account for traffic. Probably should set an alert on my smart phone for 8:40 to get moving. Even if I'm really early, I'll have time to find a parking spot."
Forward planning like this is difficult for people with Executive Functioning difficulties, but it's a critical tool in shortening the time it takes to accomplish a task. Here are some key tips to keeping the time you spend on things efficient:
1. Make sure you sit down and think about everything you'll need to do a job, whatever that job is. Having everything you need before you start saves time.
2. Block out dedicated time to complete specific tasks.
3. Consider carefully whether the task you are trying to accomplish is do-able in the time allotted. Also consider whether the situation at work or home is conducive to that task. Painting the house isn't going to get done if you have company coming and going all day long.
4. Know your limits. There is only so much that can be done in the course of the day.
5. Learn to under promise and over deliver. If you think a project will take five days, offer to have it done in eight. If you get it done in seven you look good.
6. Discipline yourself to say no to something that may sound interesting, but that you know will play havoc with your current schedule. Mental and physical overload leads to a far less productive day.
I hope you find these tips and thoughts helpful. Tomorrow I'm going to delve into the topic of over scheduling in more detail, and talk about strategies to help avoid it, or at least minimize it.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Keeping time with ADHD: Part One
One of the things I spend a lot of time on with my clients (and myself, quite frankly) is keeping track of time. People that struggle with executive functions seem to really have difficulty with time management and sensing the passing of time. Some of the key problems are as follows:
1. Estimating how long a task will take
2. Over-scheduling
3. Getting caught up in an activity for extensive periods of time when other priorities are left unaddressed
4. Not accounting for things like travel time, traffic, needing to stop for gas, etc.
5. Being chronically late for appointments, dates, etc.
Of all of the things that drive spouses/bosses/friends/teachers crazy about someone with ADHD this is often the worst. Words are often thrown around like "irresponsible", "thoughtless", "spaceshot", or any number of other negative terms. The most frustrating aspect of this for the non-ADHD mind is that it seems quite easy to keep track of time. You wear a watch, you keep a calendar, and you make sure you get to where you need to be when you need to be there. But for the person with ADHD this is an extremely difficult task.
This week, in an effort to really look at this fascinating aspect off managing ADHD I will be posting an entry each day discussing strategies and tips on better time management.
Tuesday I'll post about estimating time for activities.
Wednesday I'll post about how to avoid over-scheduling
Thursday I'll post about how to stay on task and keep away from time sucking activities
Friday I'll round out the week with a post about being late and ways to keep to your schedule.
I hope you will find this series of posts helpful, and I hope I manage my time well enough to get them done! See you tomorrow.
1. Estimating how long a task will take
2. Over-scheduling
3. Getting caught up in an activity for extensive periods of time when other priorities are left unaddressed
4. Not accounting for things like travel time, traffic, needing to stop for gas, etc.
5. Being chronically late for appointments, dates, etc.
Of all of the things that drive spouses/bosses/friends/teachers crazy about someone with ADHD this is often the worst. Words are often thrown around like "irresponsible", "thoughtless", "spaceshot", or any number of other negative terms. The most frustrating aspect of this for the non-ADHD mind is that it seems quite easy to keep track of time. You wear a watch, you keep a calendar, and you make sure you get to where you need to be when you need to be there. But for the person with ADHD this is an extremely difficult task.
This week, in an effort to really look at this fascinating aspect off managing ADHD I will be posting an entry each day discussing strategies and tips on better time management.
Tuesday I'll post about estimating time for activities.
Wednesday I'll post about how to avoid over-scheduling
Thursday I'll post about how to stay on task and keep away from time sucking activities
Friday I'll round out the week with a post about being late and ways to keep to your schedule.
I hope you will find this series of posts helpful, and I hope I manage my time well enough to get them done! See you tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Taking stock of the life you are living
Last week a man I knew who was in his early forties took his own life in a hotel room in Massachusetts. He had three young children, a wife, and a successful career in sales. While he had recently suffered a career set back by being laid off his experience and skills would certainly have allowed him to land on his feet. I didn't know him very well, but I have felt a deep sadness since hearing this awful news. No one will ever really know why he did what he did, nor does it matter at this point. What we can and should do is take stock of the life we are living, and ask ourselves three important questions:
1. Am I happy?
2. If not, why not?
3. What steps can I take to make positive changes in my life to become happier?
It can be as simple as starting an exercise program or as complex as changing a career. The key point is that life is going on every day. This is it, we don't get a re-do. Every person in the world deserves to be happy. What happiness means is different to everyone. Do you like your job? Do you like where you live? You have the power to change these things if you don't. It takes courage to change. Not everyone will be happy with you for making decisions they don't agree with. But you need to find the strength to make your life something you are proud of and happy in.
Take a moment to reflect on what's really important to you. Take action to become a happier person. Tell your romantic partner or spouse how much you love them. Hug your kids. Call your parents. Life is precious and we shouldn't be wasting it on unimportant things. Become the person you want to be. Remember this famous saying: "no one on their death bed wishes they had spent more time at the office."
1. Am I happy?
2. If not, why not?
3. What steps can I take to make positive changes in my life to become happier?
It can be as simple as starting an exercise program or as complex as changing a career. The key point is that life is going on every day. This is it, we don't get a re-do. Every person in the world deserves to be happy. What happiness means is different to everyone. Do you like your job? Do you like where you live? You have the power to change these things if you don't. It takes courage to change. Not everyone will be happy with you for making decisions they don't agree with. But you need to find the strength to make your life something you are proud of and happy in.
Take a moment to reflect on what's really important to you. Take action to become a happier person. Tell your romantic partner or spouse how much you love them. Hug your kids. Call your parents. Life is precious and we shouldn't be wasting it on unimportant things. Become the person you want to be. Remember this famous saying: "no one on their death bed wishes they had spent more time at the office."
Monday, May 2, 2011
Why I can't fill a prescription for a drug as common as penicillin
Like many people with ADHD, I have a prescription from my Doctor for a stimulant medication. Due to the nature of the medication I can only fill a one month supply at a time, I need to physically present the prescription at the pharmacy once a month, and I cannot re-fill my prescription for 30 calendar days after picking up my medications. In other words taking a controlled substance is a great big pain in the neck. However, I feel it is a small price to pay for the way that the medications alleviate the symptoms of ADHD and allow me to function far more effectively. So imagine my surprise when I tried to fill my prescription for the generic equivalent of extended release Ritalin tablets, and was told that there are none available....anywhere.
I was totally baffled as to why not a single pharmacy in the Greater Portland area had this medication. This isn't some exotic experimental drug. Literally thousands of people take this medication daily. This would be like trying to fill a prescription for birth control pills or penicillin and being told that no one has any, and wasn't sure when they would get it. I did some research on line and found fairly quickly that there are shortages of the most commonly prescribed ADHD medications all over the country. I was stunned that the companies that manufacture the drugs would allow this to happen. Why would they not make enough? Is it no longer profitable? Is Big Pharma to blame? My head was already spinning with conspiracy theories. I decided that I would call customer service at Covidian which is the company that manufactures Methylin ER; the ER stands for extended release. This is a generic form of Ritalin that I take daily. I had never once called a customer service number for a pharmaceutical firm, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Indifference? Long hold times? A non human auto responder system asking me to say what I wanted and then sending me into a voice mail abyss?
Well, I was very surprised to find that after two rings a very pleasant woman answered the call. I told her what the nature of my call was, and she immediately was able to give me detailed information about the situation. It seems that at the end of last year, the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency ordered manufacturers like Covidian to cease making the extended release forms of Ritalin. They have quotas that they maintain, and if there is too much supply they feel the risk for abuse goes up. Therefore, they order the manufacture of these drugs to cease until the supply reaches an acceptable level. In theory this makes sense; you don't want a ton of surplus out there for certain meds because the potential for abuse is high. However, what they did was shut down production for not just ER Ritalin, but several other drugs as well. The supplies ran very low, and now there is insufficient manufacturing capacity to meet the demand for all of the meds that they had to stop making. The woman apologized profusely, and assured me they were doing everything they could to get the medications back on the market.
So kudos to Covidian for having an excellent customer service experience. Of course this still leaves me with no ADHD meds. What should you do if you find yourself in a similiar situation? here are a few thoughts:
1. Call your Doctor and ask about alternatives.
2. Keep in touch with your local pharmacy. Ask how often they get shipments in, and whether they could call you if they get some of the meds you take in stock.
3. Call around; sometimes some of the big national chains or warehouse stores will have the meds when others don't.
Finally, while I support the DEA's efforts to police and regulate controlled substances it may be time for them to revisit their quota system. The system that was designed to keep drugs out of the hands of criminals is instead keeping them out of the hands of the people who actually use them legally. That sounds to me like throwing the baby out with the bath water.
I was totally baffled as to why not a single pharmacy in the Greater Portland area had this medication. This isn't some exotic experimental drug. Literally thousands of people take this medication daily. This would be like trying to fill a prescription for birth control pills or penicillin and being told that no one has any, and wasn't sure when they would get it. I did some research on line and found fairly quickly that there are shortages of the most commonly prescribed ADHD medications all over the country. I was stunned that the companies that manufacture the drugs would allow this to happen. Why would they not make enough? Is it no longer profitable? Is Big Pharma to blame? My head was already spinning with conspiracy theories. I decided that I would call customer service at Covidian which is the company that manufactures Methylin ER; the ER stands for extended release. This is a generic form of Ritalin that I take daily. I had never once called a customer service number for a pharmaceutical firm, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Indifference? Long hold times? A non human auto responder system asking me to say what I wanted and then sending me into a voice mail abyss?
Well, I was very surprised to find that after two rings a very pleasant woman answered the call. I told her what the nature of my call was, and she immediately was able to give me detailed information about the situation. It seems that at the end of last year, the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency ordered manufacturers like Covidian to cease making the extended release forms of Ritalin. They have quotas that they maintain, and if there is too much supply they feel the risk for abuse goes up. Therefore, they order the manufacture of these drugs to cease until the supply reaches an acceptable level. In theory this makes sense; you don't want a ton of surplus out there for certain meds because the potential for abuse is high. However, what they did was shut down production for not just ER Ritalin, but several other drugs as well. The supplies ran very low, and now there is insufficient manufacturing capacity to meet the demand for all of the meds that they had to stop making. The woman apologized profusely, and assured me they were doing everything they could to get the medications back on the market.
So kudos to Covidian for having an excellent customer service experience. Of course this still leaves me with no ADHD meds. What should you do if you find yourself in a similiar situation? here are a few thoughts:
1. Call your Doctor and ask about alternatives.
2. Keep in touch with your local pharmacy. Ask how often they get shipments in, and whether they could call you if they get some of the meds you take in stock.
3. Call around; sometimes some of the big national chains or warehouse stores will have the meds when others don't.
Finally, while I support the DEA's efforts to police and regulate controlled substances it may be time for them to revisit their quota system. The system that was designed to keep drugs out of the hands of criminals is instead keeping them out of the hands of the people who actually use them legally. That sounds to me like throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Have you told people you know about your ADHD?
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I had always suspected there was something not quite right with me, but always chalked it up to character flaws, or just needing to try harder. When I got the news that I did have ADHD and that it likely was a big part in my life's struggles I wanted to tell the world! It was a big deal for me! I knew what the problem was and I could do something about it. Then reality sunk in a little. Sure my family was pleased that I was taking steps to treat my ADHD; I mean, I had engaged in completely frustrating behavior for years why wouldn't they be? The thought occurred to me that maybe I should tell my Boss. It would explain a lot, and maybe it would help me get back on track at work. I also thought about telling a few friends, and maybe a couple of people that I'd had some dealings with in the past that had been complicated by ADHD. But then I heard the phrase that stopped me dead in my tracks: "aren't you just using this as an excuse?".
I hate hearing people say that. It's a lose-lose question because there's no good answer anyone can give. If you say it's not an excuse, they reply will be "well, it sounds like you're trying to use it as one anyway", and the other option is that you are using it as an excuse. People who ask you that question might as well say "there is no excuse for your past mistakes or omissions, and by the way you're making it worse by telling me this." Implying that someone is using ADHD as a means to deny or avoid responsibility is making a moral judgement about that person. Adults who have lived with undiagnosed ADHD are ripe for falling into the trap of accepting those moral judgements. They have damaged self esteem, and they readily accept criticism as legitimate. I was no different. I avoided telling anyone outside of my immediate family for quite some time.
I don't have an issue telling people now. I saw a therapist who helped me to understand that I could accept responsibility for my mistakes without accepting moral condemnation. I became better at meeting my obligations, and seeing where I have trouble doing so. I gained insight into who I was, and why some things had gone so wrong in the past. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only person's opinion that really mattered was my own. If I was comfortable with who I was I didn't really care if anyone else outside of my family was.
My suggestion to anyone struggling with this question would be to proceed slowly. Learn to forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made. See a qualified therapist if you are struggling with issues related to self esteem or self confidence. Take pride in the work you are doing to treat your ADHD and the courage you are displaying for taking the first few steps. Become comfortable with who you are. When you're ready to tell people you'll know. It will be as easy as telling someone you wear contact lenses. And it should be that easy for everyone, but for now we just have to work hard every day to educate the world about ADHD.
I hate hearing people say that. It's a lose-lose question because there's no good answer anyone can give. If you say it's not an excuse, they reply will be "well, it sounds like you're trying to use it as one anyway", and the other option is that you are using it as an excuse. People who ask you that question might as well say "there is no excuse for your past mistakes or omissions, and by the way you're making it worse by telling me this." Implying that someone is using ADHD as a means to deny or avoid responsibility is making a moral judgement about that person. Adults who have lived with undiagnosed ADHD are ripe for falling into the trap of accepting those moral judgements. They have damaged self esteem, and they readily accept criticism as legitimate. I was no different. I avoided telling anyone outside of my immediate family for quite some time.
I don't have an issue telling people now. I saw a therapist who helped me to understand that I could accept responsibility for my mistakes without accepting moral condemnation. I became better at meeting my obligations, and seeing where I have trouble doing so. I gained insight into who I was, and why some things had gone so wrong in the past. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the only person's opinion that really mattered was my own. If I was comfortable with who I was I didn't really care if anyone else outside of my family was.
My suggestion to anyone struggling with this question would be to proceed slowly. Learn to forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made. See a qualified therapist if you are struggling with issues related to self esteem or self confidence. Take pride in the work you are doing to treat your ADHD and the courage you are displaying for taking the first few steps. Become comfortable with who you are. When you're ready to tell people you'll know. It will be as easy as telling someone you wear contact lenses. And it should be that easy for everyone, but for now we just have to work hard every day to educate the world about ADHD.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The key to managing a crisis? Quiet the inner critic.
If you have ADHD you probably have had a number of crisis situations that have been caused by a lack of attention, a lack of timely action, forgetting about an obligation, or a combination of any of these three things. I use the word crisis because that's what it feels like; we are in a situation that can cause a near panic in some. It is no coincidence that people with ADHD frequently suffer from anxiety and it's darker sibling depression. There have been so many instances in people's lives that something has gone wrong that they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. One of the problems is that ADHD causes our brains to overload easily. When faced with three tasks that all seem equally urgent a state of paralysis can set in. It is not unusual to hear people relating stories of nearly being foreclosed upon not because they couldn't pay their bills, but but because they just didn't. Their checking account had all kinds of money, but they just couldn't handle sorting through all the paperwork and accounts to figure out what needed to get paid.
I have observed that all people tend to be fairly self critical, or at least most of the people that I come into contact with. But when you have ADHD you have a wealth of "evidence" to back up some of the self criticism and reinforce it. "This is just like that time you forgot to mail the tax returns and had to pay penalties", or "can't I do anything right?". Many times that critical voice inside our head sounds like a stern parental or authority figure. We fear that voice, and yet we also desperately want it's approval. I have written elsewhere that one of the keys to treating ADHD is self forgiveness. That critical voice in our head is simply us; we want to be a better person, we just don't know how.
Diagnosis can bring a reprieve for some. For others the voice continues, chastising us for using ADHD as an excuse. When we are under stress, and a situation arises where we have to take action, the inner voice can hinder us terribly. It can dredge up old emotions, old failures, and feelings of anxiety. This is just what we don't need! To effectively manage all aspects of your life with ADHD you need to quiet the inner critic. You need to infuse your mind with calm rational thoughts. Here are some techniques that I use, and also work with my clients on:
1. Breathe. Take ten deep, slow breaths and count to ten. Close your eyes while your doing it. Exhale deeply each time. Your problems are still there, but you have now calmed yourself to a degree.
2. Get up and move. Exercise reduces stress and increases focus. Sometimes during a walk or a run a new thought or approach to a problem will occur to me. Endorphins released by exercise will help calm you and get your mind to a more productive state.
3. Break it down: problems and personal crises can seem huge and overwhelming. Break it down into manageable parts. For example: I have a client that was very worried about finances. In our conversations "finances" kept coming up as a big issue. I asked what "finances" meant. My client was surprised by the question. We spent the rest of the call breaking down all the pieces that went into their financial situation, and then we formulated a plan: a. balance the checkbook and see how much money there actually is, then b. Sort the bills and see how much you owe. Happily, my client realized that they had enough money to cover their bills, and was deeply relieved to have gotten rid of the worry about money.
4. Check emotions at the door: this can be a hard one. Sit down and analyze the situation. What needs to be done? What can you do? What help can you ask for? What resources are available? Who else is going to be impacted? Once you have this mapped out the choices can become much more clear.
5. Be willing to accept responsibility for any mistakes you may have made or things you may have forgotten to do. Then, do what you can to make amends. I have found people very willing to forgive someone who admits to their errors, and offers to make it up.
Hopefully someone with ADHD is doing their best to better manage their day to day affairs so these crisis points become less frequent. But if you find yourself in a tight spot tell the inner critic to zip it; you have things to take care of.
I have observed that all people tend to be fairly self critical, or at least most of the people that I come into contact with. But when you have ADHD you have a wealth of "evidence" to back up some of the self criticism and reinforce it. "This is just like that time you forgot to mail the tax returns and had to pay penalties", or "can't I do anything right?". Many times that critical voice inside our head sounds like a stern parental or authority figure. We fear that voice, and yet we also desperately want it's approval. I have written elsewhere that one of the keys to treating ADHD is self forgiveness. That critical voice in our head is simply us; we want to be a better person, we just don't know how.
Diagnosis can bring a reprieve for some. For others the voice continues, chastising us for using ADHD as an excuse. When we are under stress, and a situation arises where we have to take action, the inner voice can hinder us terribly. It can dredge up old emotions, old failures, and feelings of anxiety. This is just what we don't need! To effectively manage all aspects of your life with ADHD you need to quiet the inner critic. You need to infuse your mind with calm rational thoughts. Here are some techniques that I use, and also work with my clients on:
1. Breathe. Take ten deep, slow breaths and count to ten. Close your eyes while your doing it. Exhale deeply each time. Your problems are still there, but you have now calmed yourself to a degree.
2. Get up and move. Exercise reduces stress and increases focus. Sometimes during a walk or a run a new thought or approach to a problem will occur to me. Endorphins released by exercise will help calm you and get your mind to a more productive state.
3. Break it down: problems and personal crises can seem huge and overwhelming. Break it down into manageable parts. For example: I have a client that was very worried about finances. In our conversations "finances" kept coming up as a big issue. I asked what "finances" meant. My client was surprised by the question. We spent the rest of the call breaking down all the pieces that went into their financial situation, and then we formulated a plan: a. balance the checkbook and see how much money there actually is, then b. Sort the bills and see how much you owe. Happily, my client realized that they had enough money to cover their bills, and was deeply relieved to have gotten rid of the worry about money.
4. Check emotions at the door: this can be a hard one. Sit down and analyze the situation. What needs to be done? What can you do? What help can you ask for? What resources are available? Who else is going to be impacted? Once you have this mapped out the choices can become much more clear.
5. Be willing to accept responsibility for any mistakes you may have made or things you may have forgotten to do. Then, do what you can to make amends. I have found people very willing to forgive someone who admits to their errors, and offers to make it up.
Hopefully someone with ADHD is doing their best to better manage their day to day affairs so these crisis points become less frequent. But if you find yourself in a tight spot tell the inner critic to zip it; you have things to take care of.
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