Run your life, or it will run you!

Even though I am now well aware of my ADHD and work hard to compensate for some of the challenges it creates, I'm still not immune to the impact it can have on my day to day work.  The month of February was not an easy one for me to navigate for some reason.  I felt like I was trying to walk through knee deep mud as I juggled my business, my family, and various other activities I'm involved with.  Last week I looked at the calendar and said, "holy smokes! February is almost over!"

I fell short on several things I wanted to accomplish.  The thing is, I didn't notice I was falling behind.  Why not?  Because I fell into the trap of letting the days run me rather than me running the day.  It's an easy trap to fall into.  You mean to focus on networking with contacts you have first thing in the morning.  However, the phone rings off the hook, the emails are flying in, and you forgot all about that dentist appointment.  Pretty soon half the day is gone, and you haven't networked with anyone.  So you resolve, this afternoon is it!  I'll make up for lost time.  But, the phone still rings, the email still comes, and your kids get home from school.  You need to think about dinner, rides to practice, or that meeting you agreed to attend.  Suddenly it's 5:30 p.m. and still no networking done.  Oh, well there's always tomorrow.

Don't fall into this trap!  While life has a way of disrupting the most structured schedule all too often we allow ourselves to get sucked into the urgency of the mundane, rather than the more important projects we should be working on.  If you have ADHD it's even more difficult.  You lose focus, you spend valuable mental energy on things that could wait, then struggle transitioning back to what you really wanted to be focused on.  If I had to identify the single greatest struggle I have with ADHD it is this.
So, it's time to regroup and identify where things are going off track, and what could be done differently.
In no particular order, here are the issues, and the opportunities for forward movement:

1. My Schedule lacked detail.  It just simply wasn't enough to say I was going to network.  I needed to have specific people I was planning to call, and block out time to call each one.
2. I didn't respect my own calendar: if I said I was going to exercise at 12:00, then I need to treat that like an appointment with myself, and not allow things to intrude unless absolutely necessary.
3. I need to set boundaries that are clear not only for my family but for me!

So having identified, the issues, here are the opportunities:

1.  I can create a dedicated block of time every week to plan.  This will allow me a chance to look at everything; my work goals, my family's activities, my personal fitness plans, and any appointments I have scheduled.  I can create a detailed schedule that identifies specific things I want and need to do, and when to do them.  When I wake up Monday morning, I'll have a roadmap for a productive week.
2.  I can embrace the idea that structure leads to success.  Being structured requires that you respect your calendar.
3.  I can define my boundaries so everyone, including me knows what they are.  Then we'll all be on the same page.

Obviously life doesn't always go 100% according to plan.  But unless the plan is in place, you won't see when you're off track.  I feel good about implementing positive changes like these into my life.  I feel like I'm actually the one who's in charge.  Because ultimately, if I'm unwilling to run my life, life is going to run me.

ADHD and the Stress of minor holidays

While its well documented that the "major holidays" (which I define as Thanksgiving, Christmas, your spouses' Birthday, your Wedding Anniversary, and any major event that brings together large numbers of people related to you; you can feel free to think of any of them as major) can create a lot of stress I would argue that the minor ones are just as problematic for many people.  If you happen to have ADHD it can be even worse.  For Valentine's day I thought it would be appropriate to post a few thoughts about how a day like today can create a real issue for people who have trouble with a regular week, let alone a week where for one day you are also supposed to figure out how to be romantic, charming, and original when you may not be any of those things the other 364 days of the year.

For people like me, it takes a lot of energy to think through Valentine's day.  I've got to figure out when I can find time to look for a little something for my wife; then I've got to decide what I may get for her.  Once I've done that, I've actually got to follow through on those plans, and by the way, keep up with all the other stuff I have going on.   While for many people this may not seem like much, it's a real challenge for people who struggle with planning, self activation, and execution.  Throw on top of that memories of how you may have screwed up a day like Valentine's in the past and the fall out from that and you have yourself a full blown case of minor holiday anxiety.

Ok, deep breath!  We will get through this!  And Mother's day too!  But the key to really taking the stress and anxiety out of a day like Valentine's day is to flip all the negative thoughts.  Instead of worrying about what you're going to do, think about your romantic partner.  If you love them, then think about how great it is to make them happy.  Think about how it feels when you do something nice for them.  Then take those thoughts and keep them in mind as you plan when you will make a dinner reservation or a trip to the florists.  Remember, Valentine's Day is not like doing your taxes; theoretically, the person you are with makes you happy and you love them.  Have some fun with picking out a gift, or deciding on an activity.  Then make sure you actually tell them about why you decided on a certain thing, and why you thought they might like it.  Take a few moments to realize that it's not what you spend, but the fact that you actually pulled it together to do something special.

So fear not when confronted with Valentine's Day, Mother's day, Father's day, or some other day when your executive functions may be a little extra taxed.  Take a minute to think about how you feel about your Wife/Husband/Mother/Father/Romantic other.  Think about what you could do to tell them how you feel, and then put it in your calendar, on your to do list, and in your smart phone.  Now please forgive me, but I need to run to the Florists!

Thought this Post would be a good fit for the ADHD blog so here you go!

I just posted an entry to my other blog, Running from Distraction.  I thought it was relevant enough to ADHD that I am going to link to it here.  Hopefully you find it interesting, or at least worth a quick read.  A longer post regarding my conversations with figures from the past is coming tomorrow.

The winter can kill your momentum; how I try to st...

Catching up with some old friends Part One

I was recently taking some kind of assessment or quiz for a reason I can't recall, but one of the questions stuck with me and made me think a little more deeply about the answer.  The question was " If you could pick one or two people from the past who are now dead to sit down and have dinner with, who would they be?"  In the past I usually would answer with a famous historical figure or try to come up with an obscure choice, just to be a pain in the neck.  But this time it struck me that there are two people I'd love to sit down with and talk to, because now I'm old enough to know what to ask them.  I want to have dinner with my Grandfathers.

Both men have been gone for quite some time.  My Father's Father was a tough, lean, wiry guy who had spent his life at sea first as a fisherman, then a boatbuilder and skipper aboard different sailing yachts and racers.  He had grown up poor, one of ten children, all of whom were subject to beatings at the hands of his equally tough Father.  When I knew him, he was a loving Grandfather who enjoyed having me around. He would tell me stories and take me different places.  Most of the curse words I know I learned from him, but I also learned a lot about hard work and taking pride in whatever you were doing.

My Mother's father, in contrast, was a well respected lawyer, Judge, and banker.  He was one of the most prominent citizens of the town my mother grew up in.  He graduated from law school early, and was the first of his classmates to pass the bar.  At the age of 25, he was named a county judge.  he became the managing partner in one of the older law firms in town, and would also become the Chairman of the Board for the local bank.  He too was a loving grandfather.  I can still remember him leaning down to kiss me smelling of Listerine.  He liked to take me down to the beach near the summer cottage he and my Grandmother owned, and teach me to shoot a BB gun, or show me what he was using for fertilizer in his garden.  I looked up to him and deeply respected him.

Both of these men harbored secrets, however.  I believe that both men may not have lived completely happy lives because of these secrets.  I also think that there is a better than even chance that they both had aspects of ADHD.  In the next two posts, I'm going to talk about each man, and then "ask" them what the difference would have been in their lives if they had lived today.  I believe they were both far more complicated interesting people than I ever suspected as a child.

How has your year started out?

I wonder how everyone's year has started out? For many of us, we set goals for the new year to make changes and improvements in our lives.  Those of us with ADHD are notorious for the New Year's resolutions to get organized, get our taxes done early, get that home improvement project done, or any number of other things.  But lots of people make goals, not just people with ADHD.  How was your  first week working toward your goal?
 
It's the first Friday afternoon of 2011 and for some of us, we had a great week, where we got a lot accomplished and moved forward.  For some of us, it was a week of catching up, and we'll get started next week.  For others it was frustrating to find that old habits seem to die hard, and they made no progress at all.  If you made a pact with yourself to make some changes this year, don't despair!  It's only been one week.

Here are some ideas to help get things moving:

1. Share your goals with friends and family; saying it out loud to someone else makes it more real.
2. Write it down, and post it everywhere.  The bathroom mirror, the fridge, your computer monitor.
3. Do you have a goal without a plan for reaching it? Then it's a wish.  Make a plan.
4. Ask for help.  No matter what your goal, there's someone who can help get you started, and it doesn't need to cost money.  Think of the people you know and ask yourself who would be a good resource?
5. Go to the library and take a couple of books out that relate to your goal.  The more you think about it the more likely you will work toward it.
6. Finally ask yourself: Is this goal right for me?  Is this what I really want?  If not, it's ok to make a new goal.

However your first week went, change happens when we as individuals decide to make it happen.  Taking the first step is often hard, but your one step closer.

New Year, New Ideas, New Attitudes, New Beginnings.

Can anyone think of the last time they vowed that this year will be different, and then it actually happened? In my experience, vowing that things will be different doesn't necessarily lead to anything changing. What really helps to promote change is changing the way we think about things. Let me give you an example:

I have spent the better portion of my adult life declaring that I am not a morning person. The idea of getting up early to do anything was repulsive to me. I'm a night owl. I'm not productive until that third cup of coffee is down. No meetings before 10 a.m. Are you beginning to get the idea? So when I began working on my own, the ugly truth began to come out. I need to start being productive earlier. I can't wait until 10 or 11 to get working on things. Life seems to wake up at 8:30, and doesn't really recognize that you need some time to get going.

This year, I have vowed that office hours will start no later than 9 a.m. I'm going to push myself to make it 8:30, but I'm giving myself wiggle room. Running and exercise need to happen early in the day. I never feel like my day has started until I've exercised, and if you don't exercise until noon, that leads to some unproductive time. So exercise and running needs to be done by 8:00-8:30. I'm going to gradually make it earlier as the year goes along and the sun comes up earlier. Finally, I've vowed that I will make sure something substantial gets accomplished before lunch every day. That difficult phone call, that paperwork that needs organizing, these blog posts, etc. Lunch will be a celebration of a productive morning that helps me move closer to my goals.

It's not going to be easy developing this new relationship with the morning, but I'm committed to trying to make it work.

ADHD and the Eight Fold Path: The Practical Truths part two: Right Coaching and Support.

At long last I've come to the final of these posts regarding the Eight Fold path to the treatment of ADHD. The final truth to discuss is that of Right Coaching and Support. I use these terms sort of loosely because they can mean different things to different people. The key idea here is that people with ADHD need three things in order to maximize the effectiveness of treatment:

1. Support: Especially at first, but even as the years go by, people who struggle with ADHD need support. Support can be as simple as someone who can remind them of things from time to time, or at least be understanding when things are forgotten. Support is also non-judgmental. Even though you may have forgotten to mail out the bills three days in a row, the person providing support must be able to look past the error and ask "so what's your plan going forward?". Spouses and Parents are not always able to manage non-judgmental support at all times, which is why a professional Coach or therapist can be so valuable.

2. Accountability: People with ADHD need accountability. The phenomenon of getting things done at the last minute is the embodiment of the power accountability can have. To a certain extent we are all accountable to someone. The person with ADHD needs to have the feeling that someone is waiting for them to complete a task. This someone needs to be real, specific and have a connection with them. The credit card company isn't really specific enough. In addition, the center of accountability once again must be non-judgmental. No one wants to be accountable to someone that yells and calls you names if you're late or make a mistake. This leads to avoidance and the need to make up stories, also known as lying: Yes professor, I turned that paper in ages ago! What do you mean you can't find it? Non Judgmental accountability provides the impetus to complete a task, with the feeling of knowing that you are being supported and encouraged to meet your obligation.

3. Finally people with ADHD need understanding. People want to do well. No one likes to feel they are a screw up or hopeless. Having someone in your life who understands you, and the effect ADHD has on you, is invaluable. Being able to say to a Coach, a spouse, a parent, or a friend that you had an "ADHD Moment"(shameless Blog Title plug :) ) and be able to laugh with them about it can mean everything. Having them offer a kind word of encouragement can mean the difference between success and failure for many people.

In closing, finding the right person or persons to offer you support, accountability, and understanding may be one of the key things you can do to treat your ADHD. It is a life long process. Be patient and celebrate small successes.