On this lovely Monday March 28th, I find myself pressed for time but wanted to share a few quick thoughts while I still have them!
1. Some days you just have to realize that not everything will get done. Today is my wife's birthday, and I have spent the last couple of hours shopping for ingredients and preparing a special dessert for her. Did I get my networking done? No. Did I pick up any new clients? no. But, I feel good about doing something special for her.
2. Some days it can be really hard to get anything accomplished; your brain just won't focus, and everything you start turns into an exercise in frustration. Stop, take a breath and say, hey, I've got ADHD. It's really acting up today. I'm not sure that's the case, but at least you may feel better.
3. There may be a lot of things that aren't ideal in your life, but I bet there are a lot of good things too! Despite the many setbacks we all may have, or the things that we may feel bad about there's plenty of company out there. I always try not to take myself too seriously, and reach out and connect with other people in my life. Maybe their having a bad day too, and I can try to cheer them up. Or, maybe their having a great day, and they can cheer you up.
The bottom line is that life isn't perfect. Be happy with the good things and give the difficult things a rest for a while. Don't worry, they'll still be there when you're ready for them!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Learning to say "No" is one of the key steps to restoring balance in your life
One of the difficulties people I coach with ADHD have is saying "no". While these people have good intentions when you have ADHD the deck is stacked against you in many respects. Learning to recognize when taking on new responsibilities or projects isn't a good idea is a big step in treating your ADHD, and bringing some peace to your life. Here is a typical example of how you can get yourself into trouble:
In the past I might jump at a chance to volunteer for a worthy cause while completely forgetting that I also am committed to coaching a Little league team. I also didn't think of the amount of time that this would be taking away from my family and the numerous tasks and projects that need doing around the house. How many hours of discretionary time did I think I had available on the weekends? I didn't even think about that. I just said "yes"!
There are many moving parts, but I think there are several key reasons why people with ADHD tend to overcommit:
1. ADHD effects our ability to think "strategically". We tend to respond to what's in front of us at that moment, rather than think about long term ramifications.
2. ADHD impacts our ability to measure time effectively. We are pretty sure that we have enough time to fit everything in, but we totally underestimate the amount of time things will take.
3. ADHD is often marked by impulsivity; we say yes, then later we may realize that it was a poor choice to do so.
4. People with ADHD often feel they have disappointed others, or let them down. In many cases saying yes to everything is a search for a chance to redeem themselves and feel better about themselves.
Unfortunately, never saying no leads us to be overcommitted, stressed out, and increases the likelihood that we will forget to do something or do it poorly. When thinking about strategies you can employ to help you keep from saying yes to too many things, it's important to realize that you need to do some preparation first:
1. Keep a master calendar for yourself. Write down the things you know you have to be present for, and the events you know are coming up; if you are involved in your church or some other activity, make sure those events are recorded too.
2. Then make sure you have accounted for things that you don't often take into consideration. In my part of the country, early November means you need to rake the leaves, so you should probably plan to set some time aside for that. How about the promise you made to the kids to take them to the water park, when is that happening? What day is your spouse's birthday, and will he or she be expecting you to spend time with them? Do you have an exercise regimen? Does your work involve travel or evening events frequently? These are all chunks of time you need to account for in some fashion.
Once you have your master calendar set up, you need to make a promise to yourself that when something new and exciting comes along you need to check your schedule first. Practice saying "you know, that sounds like it would be really fun to do. I have a pretty busy schedule though, so I need to make sure I have the time to devote to this. Can I call you later tonight and let you know?"
Also remember to ask things like "how much time will be involved every week?" and "will it always be on the same day at the same time?" Don't just say yes if you don't have all the information you need. Make it clear that your time is valuable: "I'd really like to be a part of this, but I need to know the schedule at least a few weeks in advance. I have a lot on my plate right now." If the activity or event is just too good to pass up, be prepared to postpone or eliminate something existing from your schedule. You may have a lot of fun at Poker night every Thursday, but that's probably a better thing to replace than time with your wife and kids.
Learning to say no isn't easy. But developing the skill of looking at your time, and understanding your priorities can save you from a lot of needless stress. It's o.k. to be active and involved in things, but it's not o.k. if that leads to anxiety about how you're going to fit it all in.
In the past I might jump at a chance to volunteer for a worthy cause while completely forgetting that I also am committed to coaching a Little league team. I also didn't think of the amount of time that this would be taking away from my family and the numerous tasks and projects that need doing around the house. How many hours of discretionary time did I think I had available on the weekends? I didn't even think about that. I just said "yes"!
There are many moving parts, but I think there are several key reasons why people with ADHD tend to overcommit:
1. ADHD effects our ability to think "strategically". We tend to respond to what's in front of us at that moment, rather than think about long term ramifications.
2. ADHD impacts our ability to measure time effectively. We are pretty sure that we have enough time to fit everything in, but we totally underestimate the amount of time things will take.
3. ADHD is often marked by impulsivity; we say yes, then later we may realize that it was a poor choice to do so.
4. People with ADHD often feel they have disappointed others, or let them down. In many cases saying yes to everything is a search for a chance to redeem themselves and feel better about themselves.
Unfortunately, never saying no leads us to be overcommitted, stressed out, and increases the likelihood that we will forget to do something or do it poorly. When thinking about strategies you can employ to help you keep from saying yes to too many things, it's important to realize that you need to do some preparation first:
1. Keep a master calendar for yourself. Write down the things you know you have to be present for, and the events you know are coming up; if you are involved in your church or some other activity, make sure those events are recorded too.
2. Then make sure you have accounted for things that you don't often take into consideration. In my part of the country, early November means you need to rake the leaves, so you should probably plan to set some time aside for that. How about the promise you made to the kids to take them to the water park, when is that happening? What day is your spouse's birthday, and will he or she be expecting you to spend time with them? Do you have an exercise regimen? Does your work involve travel or evening events frequently? These are all chunks of time you need to account for in some fashion.
Once you have your master calendar set up, you need to make a promise to yourself that when something new and exciting comes along you need to check your schedule first. Practice saying "you know, that sounds like it would be really fun to do. I have a pretty busy schedule though, so I need to make sure I have the time to devote to this. Can I call you later tonight and let you know?"
Also remember to ask things like "how much time will be involved every week?" and "will it always be on the same day at the same time?" Don't just say yes if you don't have all the information you need. Make it clear that your time is valuable: "I'd really like to be a part of this, but I need to know the schedule at least a few weeks in advance. I have a lot on my plate right now." If the activity or event is just too good to pass up, be prepared to postpone or eliminate something existing from your schedule. You may have a lot of fun at Poker night every Thursday, but that's probably a better thing to replace than time with your wife and kids.
Learning to say no isn't easy. But developing the skill of looking at your time, and understanding your priorities can save you from a lot of needless stress. It's o.k. to be active and involved in things, but it's not o.k. if that leads to anxiety about how you're going to fit it all in.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Coaching works, but only if you're ready for the commitment!
I have three daughters all of whom participate in a variety of team sports. My middle child is a basketball fanatic. Last year,as a Freshman in High School she not only made the varsity team, but also came off the bench and played some significant minutes. However her Sophomore year things didn't go quite as well. She still played Varsity basketball, and started some games. In her mind though she took a step back. She saw herself as an elite player, and thought her coach did too. Early on in the season her coach let her know that she had fallen behind some of the other kids. Her offense wasn't there. She was crushed. While she soldiered on there were definitely times where it seemed like her heart just wasn't in it. This caused her mother and I a fair amount of distress. How could this kid who worked so hard on her game, and cared so much be so down on herself?
Once the High School season is over many kids in the area continue to play basketball for various club teams. My daughter has played for the same club team for a while, and this year they decided to align themselves with a local organization that offers practice space, schedules games, and does skills instruction. Yesterday I took her to a skills clinic and stayed behind to watch. There were probably forty girls there, and they literally spent an hour doing nothing but different dribbling drills. The instructor was all business.
"You may be good, " he said to all of them, "but if you want to be elite, you need to work on every aspect of your game. You need to get better. You need to commit to practicing on your own." At the end of the session as we walked to the car my daughter said "hey Dad, can I keep coming down here in the summer?"
I considered my response for a moment. " Well, I certainly think what he's teaching is valuable. But, you would need to show me you're committed to practicing on your own, like he said."
"I will, " she replied, very seriously, "I want to get better. I want to blow my coach away next year."
This, in a nutshell, is what a Parent needs to hear from their son or daughter before seriously beginning to explore ADHD Coaching. While a kid may want to get more organized, or may want to stop feeling like they can never follow through on anything they need to commit to the process of improving their executive skills and becoming more effective. When a High School or College student buys into the coaching process the results are noticeable. Simply committing to keeping a calendar with classes and appointments, and establishing a reminder system are two huge steps forward. Learning self advocacy skills, developing the ability to plan ahead, and the willingness to be held accountable all lead to a great improvement in the quality of life for a younger person.
In the case of may daughter, practice and skills enhancement will lead to improved performance on the basketball court. Improved performance will lead to increased confidence. More confidence leads to greater self esteem and pride. This leads to the love of practice and skills enhancement. It's a positive self sustaining cycle. Likewise, in the life a person with ADHD, improved performance and self esteem reinforces the desire to sustain the structures and systems that have helped them improve. But the nature of ADHD can make it difficult to remain consistent in maintaining these systems. Having a Coach as a center of accountability creates a safety net for the individual as they build new skills and banish old habits.
Coaching works. If you want to get better, if you want to improve your day to day performance, and make your life better, then finding a Coach can work wonders for you or your son or daughter. The only key ingredient that is absolutely required is commitment. After that, the sky is the limit for how far someone can go.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A compass keeps sailors on course: find your own compass for ADHD
A friend recently asked me if ADHD coaching was like being a GPS for my clients. It was a funny conversation, but I thought it was a good illustration of how Coaches help their clients. I've embellished this a little and removed the profanity and non-politically correct mocking we usually engage in so I think this should be relatively professional in tone:
"So what you do is act like the GPS in my car. I tell you where you want to go and you tell me 'turn left ahead'."
"Well, not exactly. You're describing a consultant".
"So what are you then?"
"Well, picture this; you want to drive from New York to Chicago. So you call me up and say, 'hey, I'm planning on driving to Chicago, so I'd like to discuss how to best plan that out.' 'Great' I'd reply. Let's brainstorm about all the different things you're going to need to think about before you leave'."
"Wait, I have to do the work?"
"How else are you going to learn so you can do it on your own the next time?"
"Okay, so I'd say I'm going to buy a GPS."
"Sounds like a good idea. Anything else you may want to think about?"
"That should do it, right? It's going to show me how to get there."
"What plans have you made for a place to stay once you get there?"
"Hmmm, not sure."
"Also, how much time are you planning to take off from work?"
"oh yeah, work..."
"What does your wife think about your plans?'
"yeah, hadn't really discussed it with her."
You get the idea. As a Coach, I need to look at the whole person. Looking at the whole person requires the client to also think about all aspects of their lives that will be impacted by making plans or taking action. This is process we go through as we identify changes they would like to make, and skills they need to build. Clients may have great ambition to change everything, but the coach needs to help them to see that it doesn't happen overnight, and there can be some stumbles along the way.
To extend the transportation metaphor a little further think of clients as sailors on the open ocean. They have charted a course they want to follow. The Coach reminds them to look at their compass, and constantly check to make sure they are on course. It's easy to drift away gradually; a little distance every day doesn't seem so bad. But, a few months of that and you are far far away from where you want to be.
It's important to sit down and decide where you want to go in your life. It's also important to plan out how you're going to get there. But, without checking your "compass" to make sure you're on track, it's very easy to lose your way. A coach can help you in all three areas, but as my friend found out, the client still has to do the work.
"So what you do is act like the GPS in my car. I tell you where you want to go and you tell me 'turn left ahead'."
"Well, not exactly. You're describing a consultant".
"So what are you then?"
"Well, picture this; you want to drive from New York to Chicago. So you call me up and say, 'hey, I'm planning on driving to Chicago, so I'd like to discuss how to best plan that out.' 'Great' I'd reply. Let's brainstorm about all the different things you're going to need to think about before you leave'."
"Wait, I have to do the work?"
"How else are you going to learn so you can do it on your own the next time?"
"Okay, so I'd say I'm going to buy a GPS."
"Sounds like a good idea. Anything else you may want to think about?"
"That should do it, right? It's going to show me how to get there."
"What plans have you made for a place to stay once you get there?"
"Hmmm, not sure."
"Also, how much time are you planning to take off from work?"
"oh yeah, work..."
"What does your wife think about your plans?'
"yeah, hadn't really discussed it with her."
You get the idea. As a Coach, I need to look at the whole person. Looking at the whole person requires the client to also think about all aspects of their lives that will be impacted by making plans or taking action. This is process we go through as we identify changes they would like to make, and skills they need to build. Clients may have great ambition to change everything, but the coach needs to help them to see that it doesn't happen overnight, and there can be some stumbles along the way.
To extend the transportation metaphor a little further think of clients as sailors on the open ocean. They have charted a course they want to follow. The Coach reminds them to look at their compass, and constantly check to make sure they are on course. It's easy to drift away gradually; a little distance every day doesn't seem so bad. But, a few months of that and you are far far away from where you want to be.
It's important to sit down and decide where you want to go in your life. It's also important to plan out how you're going to get there. But, without checking your "compass" to make sure you're on track, it's very easy to lose your way. A coach can help you in all three areas, but as my friend found out, the client still has to do the work.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A remedy for those with ADHD: self compassion
A recent article in the New York Times discussed new findings that being kind to yourself was, well, good for you! (To read the article click on this link: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?hpw ). As I read the article and reflected on the findings, I began to think about some of the ways people with ADHD think about themselves. I have often had moments where I called myself things like "stupid", "senile", "idiot", or mused out loud "what the hell is the matter with me?". It's understandable that after a life of forgetting appointments, procrastination, half finished tasks, and frustration, a person can get very down on themselves. What's more problematic is that once you have the diagnosis for ADHD you still have built in habits of thinking negatively of yourself. This can be insidious because even though you now realize your brain works differently, and even if you're doing better with managing the effects of ADHD, you still have that nagging little voice inside that whispers "you screwed up again, ADHD is only an excuse!".
I'm not saying that people with ADHD shouldn't be accountable for their mistakes or omissions. I'm also not saying that reasonable, constructive reflection on situations that didn't go well isn't a good practice. What I would argue is that the way we treat ourselves through our thoughts and actions can have a huge impact on how we feel in general. Let me give you an example:
I do a fair amount of athletic coaching. Over the years I've learned that the way to reach someone is not to react negatively (come on! How many times do I need to tell you not to throw the ball away!), but rather to offer encouragement ( hey don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Let's learn from this for the next time ok?). When we react to something we have done (or not done) it's hard not to be overly self critical. I should know better, I knew I'd screw this up, etc. The sooner someone can change tghese habits, the better. Negative self talk leads to negative emotions. Negative emotions leads to negative energy. Negative energy creates it's own momentum toward creating more negative self talk, and the cycle begins. It's no coincidence that depression is an extremely common condition for those who have ADHD. If you are constantly thinking poorly of yourself, it's hard to be happy.
So we need to break the negative cycle! How do we do that? Here are some concrete steps:
1. First and most importantly, make sure you seek treatment from your Doctor or Mental health provider if you have symptoms of depression that have been ongoing for sometime. You can find information about clinical depression here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
2. Observe the way you think about yourself, and write down some of the things you think. Then ask: would you ever speak to other people in the same way? If the answer is no, then you may need to ease up a little.
3. Try to reframe the way you think about mistakes. Rather than getting on yourself about being irresponsible or stupid, ask yourself whether it's really that big of a deal? Ok, I bounced a check, and it cost me some money. What's done is done. What I can do to make sure this doesn't happen going forward?
4. If you make a mistake you're in good company! I've yet to meet anyone who's perfect, and I doubt I'd like them if I did. If you find yourself making the same mistake time and time again, sit down and try to look at the situation calmly. What leads up to the mistake? Are there things that you should look at changing? Do you need to ask for help from someone else?
5. If you find that something you did caused issues for another person don't beat yourself up. Admit your error, and if you need to make amends, make amends. Then give yourself credit for being a stand up person who takes responsibility for their actions, and feel good about that.
ADHD can create conditions that are tough on our self esteem. Once you know that a lot of the difficulties you have experienced had a lot to do with your brain functioning it's time to forgive yourself. You can't change the past, but you can resolve to do better going forward. Just remember, you have to live with yourself, and it's a lot easier to live with someone you like than someone you don't.
I'm not saying that people with ADHD shouldn't be accountable for their mistakes or omissions. I'm also not saying that reasonable, constructive reflection on situations that didn't go well isn't a good practice. What I would argue is that the way we treat ourselves through our thoughts and actions can have a huge impact on how we feel in general. Let me give you an example:
I do a fair amount of athletic coaching. Over the years I've learned that the way to reach someone is not to react negatively (come on! How many times do I need to tell you not to throw the ball away!), but rather to offer encouragement ( hey don't worry, everybody makes mistakes. Let's learn from this for the next time ok?). When we react to something we have done (or not done) it's hard not to be overly self critical. I should know better, I knew I'd screw this up, etc. The sooner someone can change tghese habits, the better. Negative self talk leads to negative emotions. Negative emotions leads to negative energy. Negative energy creates it's own momentum toward creating more negative self talk, and the cycle begins. It's no coincidence that depression is an extremely common condition for those who have ADHD. If you are constantly thinking poorly of yourself, it's hard to be happy.
So we need to break the negative cycle! How do we do that? Here are some concrete steps:
1. First and most importantly, make sure you seek treatment from your Doctor or Mental health provider if you have symptoms of depression that have been ongoing for sometime. You can find information about clinical depression here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
2. Observe the way you think about yourself, and write down some of the things you think. Then ask: would you ever speak to other people in the same way? If the answer is no, then you may need to ease up a little.
3. Try to reframe the way you think about mistakes. Rather than getting on yourself about being irresponsible or stupid, ask yourself whether it's really that big of a deal? Ok, I bounced a check, and it cost me some money. What's done is done. What I can do to make sure this doesn't happen going forward?
4. If you make a mistake you're in good company! I've yet to meet anyone who's perfect, and I doubt I'd like them if I did. If you find yourself making the same mistake time and time again, sit down and try to look at the situation calmly. What leads up to the mistake? Are there things that you should look at changing? Do you need to ask for help from someone else?
5. If you find that something you did caused issues for another person don't beat yourself up. Admit your error, and if you need to make amends, make amends. Then give yourself credit for being a stand up person who takes responsibility for their actions, and feel good about that.
ADHD can create conditions that are tough on our self esteem. Once you know that a lot of the difficulties you have experienced had a lot to do with your brain functioning it's time to forgive yourself. You can't change the past, but you can resolve to do better going forward. Just remember, you have to live with yourself, and it's a lot easier to live with someone you like than someone you don't.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Run your life, or it will run you!
Even though I am now well aware of my ADHD and work hard to compensate for some of the challenges it creates, I'm still not immune to the impact it can have on my day to day work. The month of February was not an easy one for me to navigate for some reason. I felt like I was trying to walk through knee deep mud as I juggled my business, my family, and various other activities I'm involved with. Last week I looked at the calendar and said, "holy smokes! February is almost over!"
I fell short on several things I wanted to accomplish. The thing is, I didn't notice I was falling behind. Why not? Because I fell into the trap of letting the days run me rather than me running the day. It's an easy trap to fall into. You mean to focus on networking with contacts you have first thing in the morning. However, the phone rings off the hook, the emails are flying in, and you forgot all about that dentist appointment. Pretty soon half the day is gone, and you haven't networked with anyone. So you resolve, this afternoon is it! I'll make up for lost time. But, the phone still rings, the email still comes, and your kids get home from school. You need to think about dinner, rides to practice, or that meeting you agreed to attend. Suddenly it's 5:30 p.m. and still no networking done. Oh, well there's always tomorrow.
Don't fall into this trap! While life has a way of disrupting the most structured schedule all too often we allow ourselves to get sucked into the urgency of the mundane, rather than the more important projects we should be working on. If you have ADHD it's even more difficult. You lose focus, you spend valuable mental energy on things that could wait, then struggle transitioning back to what you really wanted to be focused on. If I had to identify the single greatest struggle I have with ADHD it is this.
So, it's time to regroup and identify where things are going off track, and what could be done differently.
In no particular order, here are the issues, and the opportunities for forward movement:
1. My Schedule lacked detail. It just simply wasn't enough to say I was going to network. I needed to have specific people I was planning to call, and block out time to call each one.
2. I didn't respect my own calendar: if I said I was going to exercise at 12:00, then I need to treat that like an appointment with myself, and not allow things to intrude unless absolutely necessary.
3. I need to set boundaries that are clear not only for my family but for me!
So having identified, the issues, here are the opportunities:
1. I can create a dedicated block of time every week to plan. This will allow me a chance to look at everything; my work goals, my family's activities, my personal fitness plans, and any appointments I have scheduled. I can create a detailed schedule that identifies specific things I want and need to do, and when to do them. When I wake up Monday morning, I'll have a roadmap for a productive week.
2. I can embrace the idea that structure leads to success. Being structured requires that you respect your calendar.
3. I can define my boundaries so everyone, including me knows what they are. Then we'll all be on the same page.
Obviously life doesn't always go 100% according to plan. But unless the plan is in place, you won't see when you're off track. I feel good about implementing positive changes like these into my life. I feel like I'm actually the one who's in charge. Because ultimately, if I'm unwilling to run my life, life is going to run me.
I fell short on several things I wanted to accomplish. The thing is, I didn't notice I was falling behind. Why not? Because I fell into the trap of letting the days run me rather than me running the day. It's an easy trap to fall into. You mean to focus on networking with contacts you have first thing in the morning. However, the phone rings off the hook, the emails are flying in, and you forgot all about that dentist appointment. Pretty soon half the day is gone, and you haven't networked with anyone. So you resolve, this afternoon is it! I'll make up for lost time. But, the phone still rings, the email still comes, and your kids get home from school. You need to think about dinner, rides to practice, or that meeting you agreed to attend. Suddenly it's 5:30 p.m. and still no networking done. Oh, well there's always tomorrow.
Don't fall into this trap! While life has a way of disrupting the most structured schedule all too often we allow ourselves to get sucked into the urgency of the mundane, rather than the more important projects we should be working on. If you have ADHD it's even more difficult. You lose focus, you spend valuable mental energy on things that could wait, then struggle transitioning back to what you really wanted to be focused on. If I had to identify the single greatest struggle I have with ADHD it is this.
So, it's time to regroup and identify where things are going off track, and what could be done differently.
In no particular order, here are the issues, and the opportunities for forward movement:
1. My Schedule lacked detail. It just simply wasn't enough to say I was going to network. I needed to have specific people I was planning to call, and block out time to call each one.
2. I didn't respect my own calendar: if I said I was going to exercise at 12:00, then I need to treat that like an appointment with myself, and not allow things to intrude unless absolutely necessary.
3. I need to set boundaries that are clear not only for my family but for me!
So having identified, the issues, here are the opportunities:
1. I can create a dedicated block of time every week to plan. This will allow me a chance to look at everything; my work goals, my family's activities, my personal fitness plans, and any appointments I have scheduled. I can create a detailed schedule that identifies specific things I want and need to do, and when to do them. When I wake up Monday morning, I'll have a roadmap for a productive week.
2. I can embrace the idea that structure leads to success. Being structured requires that you respect your calendar.
3. I can define my boundaries so everyone, including me knows what they are. Then we'll all be on the same page.
Obviously life doesn't always go 100% according to plan. But unless the plan is in place, you won't see when you're off track. I feel good about implementing positive changes like these into my life. I feel like I'm actually the one who's in charge. Because ultimately, if I'm unwilling to run my life, life is going to run me.
Monday, February 14, 2011
ADHD and the Stress of minor holidays
While its well documented that the "major holidays" (which I define as Thanksgiving, Christmas, your spouses' Birthday, your Wedding Anniversary, and any major event that brings together large numbers of people related to you; you can feel free to think of any of them as major) can create a lot of stress I would argue that the minor ones are just as problematic for many people. If you happen to have ADHD it can be even worse. For Valentine's day I thought it would be appropriate to post a few thoughts about how a day like today can create a real issue for people who have trouble with a regular week, let alone a week where for one day you are also supposed to figure out how to be romantic, charming, and original when you may not be any of those things the other 364 days of the year.
For people like me, it takes a lot of energy to think through Valentine's day. I've got to figure out when I can find time to look for a little something for my wife; then I've got to decide what I may get for her. Once I've done that, I've actually got to follow through on those plans, and by the way, keep up with all the other stuff I have going on. While for many people this may not seem like much, it's a real challenge for people who struggle with planning, self activation, and execution. Throw on top of that memories of how you may have screwed up a day like Valentine's in the past and the fall out from that and you have yourself a full blown case of minor holiday anxiety.
Ok, deep breath! We will get through this! And Mother's day too! But the key to really taking the stress and anxiety out of a day like Valentine's day is to flip all the negative thoughts. Instead of worrying about what you're going to do, think about your romantic partner. If you love them, then think about how great it is to make them happy. Think about how it feels when you do something nice for them. Then take those thoughts and keep them in mind as you plan when you will make a dinner reservation or a trip to the florists. Remember, Valentine's Day is not like doing your taxes; theoretically, the person you are with makes you happy and you love them. Have some fun with picking out a gift, or deciding on an activity. Then make sure you actually tell them about why you decided on a certain thing, and why you thought they might like it. Take a few moments to realize that it's not what you spend, but the fact that you actually pulled it together to do something special.
So fear not when confronted with Valentine's Day, Mother's day, Father's day, or some other day when your executive functions may be a little extra taxed. Take a minute to think about how you feel about your Wife/Husband/Mother/Father/Romantic other. Think about what you could do to tell them how you feel, and then put it in your calendar, on your to do list, and in your smart phone. Now please forgive me, but I need to run to the Florists!
For people like me, it takes a lot of energy to think through Valentine's day. I've got to figure out when I can find time to look for a little something for my wife; then I've got to decide what I may get for her. Once I've done that, I've actually got to follow through on those plans, and by the way, keep up with all the other stuff I have going on. While for many people this may not seem like much, it's a real challenge for people who struggle with planning, self activation, and execution. Throw on top of that memories of how you may have screwed up a day like Valentine's in the past and the fall out from that and you have yourself a full blown case of minor holiday anxiety.
Ok, deep breath! We will get through this! And Mother's day too! But the key to really taking the stress and anxiety out of a day like Valentine's day is to flip all the negative thoughts. Instead of worrying about what you're going to do, think about your romantic partner. If you love them, then think about how great it is to make them happy. Think about how it feels when you do something nice for them. Then take those thoughts and keep them in mind as you plan when you will make a dinner reservation or a trip to the florists. Remember, Valentine's Day is not like doing your taxes; theoretically, the person you are with makes you happy and you love them. Have some fun with picking out a gift, or deciding on an activity. Then make sure you actually tell them about why you decided on a certain thing, and why you thought they might like it. Take a few moments to realize that it's not what you spend, but the fact that you actually pulled it together to do something special.
So fear not when confronted with Valentine's Day, Mother's day, Father's day, or some other day when your executive functions may be a little extra taxed. Take a minute to think about how you feel about your Wife/Husband/Mother/Father/Romantic other. Think about what you could do to tell them how you feel, and then put it in your calendar, on your to do list, and in your smart phone. Now please forgive me, but I need to run to the Florists!
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