Well, in a few days I'll be moving this blog to a new location so that it is more tightly integrated with a new website I'm launching. You will be able to find it at www.maineadhdcoach.com by the end of the week. Websites are funny things. You work on one and launch it, and then six months later you look at it and want to blow it up and start all over. At least I do. But the process got me to thinking about why I always seem to be changing things.
I think it's my ADHD that creates this need for constant re-arrangements and novelty. I am famous for spontaneously re-arrangeing the furniture in different rooms of my house. I just get bored with the same old thing day after day. I switch up my routines and daily patterns fairly frequently as well. I'll go through periods of time where I love a particular food or brand of beer, or TV show, and then just as quickly I'll drop it and move on to something else. It's not that I don't like it anymore I just need a change. Finding a level of consistency and routine that I can maintain has been the greatest challenge of my life. One thing I'm deeply thankful for is that I haven't blown up my marriage or my family life. This is the one area I've tried to be consistent and steady. I've made mistakes of course, but nothing I could not readily make amends for. I've found more than enough challenge, novelty, and stimulation to remain fully engaged as a Husband and a Father. I'm sure I drive them all crazy sometimes, but that's all a part of it.
I always worry about my clients when they see only the negative aspects of this trait. While it can be taken to extremes and can be disruptive the quest for novelty and new experiences can also be extremely rewarding and exciting. Living your life is all about trying new things and expanding your horizons. It would be a sad place if we simply stopped learning or changing and stayed the same. I've tried a lot of different things and done some different things in my life, and I'm sure I'll keep on doing that. It doesn't have to be radical, and you don't have to turn your life upside down. You can continue to follow routine and structure, and have new things in your life. Here are a few thoughts:
1. Volunteer work: you meet new people, and do good things for your community!
2. Learn a new skill: take a yoga class, finally figure out how to use Excel, change your car's oil yourself. It's a new thing that you didn't have before and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
3. Become a local tourist: how many places have you actually been to in your immediate area? Check them out and see what you can find.
4. Adopt a pet: Animals can provide a wonderful new aspect to your life; just be sure that once the novelty wears off you can really commit to the care and attention they need.
It's amazingly refreshing and energizing when I try new things or have a new experience. Just remember that the key is balance. It's not a sign that your slipping into bad habits if you want to try new things. Maintain your structure and routine, but find constructive ways to inject novelty into your life. No one said life is supposed to fun, but no one said it had to be boring either.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
It's not always your fault!
One of the vestiges I have of living with undiagnosed ADHD for so long is a tendency to assume I'm at fault unless shown otherwise. This is the result of getting into hot water over things like missed assignments, missed deadlines, forgotten appointments, procrastination, disorganization, and all the other aspects of ADHD. Because you were to blame for the electric company shutting off the power because you didn't mail payments for three months you tend to assume if something bad happens you probably have something to do with it, (A quick aside; don't laugh, but this actually happened to me. I had a bunch of bills to be mailed out in my car and forgot they were there. Same thing the next month. Eventually I found most of them and sent them off, but didn't send the electric bills. We had three checks written out and my wife couldn't figure out why we kept getting disconnect notices. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was to admit that we had our power shut off because I forgot to mail the bill out THREE MONTHS IN A ROW? But I digress....).
Since being diagnosed and treating my ADHD things have gotten much better and I don't usually create such chaos in my life. However, I do have a tendency to jump to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong if something negative happens. Here's an example: I got a letter from my bank telling me my business account was overdrawn and I needed to address the situation. I immediately panicked; I went through my checkbook register assuming I had it all screwed up. When it seemed to be in order I decided I couldn't be right so I went on line and looked at every transaction and tried to match it up with my checkbook. I found that I had recorded a deposit that the bank didn't have. I searched through my car thinking I had forgotten to make it. Then it struck me that maybe the bank was wrong. I called the local branch where I make all the deposits and asked a few questions. It turns out that they had received my deposit and it was credited to my personal account instead of my business account. They were extremely apologetic and credited me back any fees I'd incurred. Wow, I thought, it wasn't my fault at all. I was on the verge of making a deposit and not questioning it. I saved myself several hundred dollars and felt good about myself as well.
What are the lessons here?
1. Don't always assume something is your fault. Verify the facts, review what you have done, and make sure that you have met your responsibilities.
2. Don't avoid dealing with the situation out of fear or wishing to avoid embarrassment. Better to catch a mistake or omission now then letting it fester for weeks or months.
3. Do give yourself credit for things you have done well and stayed on top of even if you have made a mistake. I don't know many perfect people, and I would guess you don't either.
4. Do accept responsibility if indeed the situation is your fault, and offer to make amends. Then let it go, and ask yourself how you can do things differently to avoid this situation in the future.
5. Always be willing to ask questions and stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking a bank or whomever to explain why they think this is your fault. Make sure you are 100% satisfied with their answers. Don't allow your past to color your present.
It's always hard to overcome the negative feelings we may have about ourselves because of our past mistakes. However, it's ok to move ahead as someone that has turned the page on that part of your life. Don't always assume it's you; there's plenty of mistakes being made without your help.
Since being diagnosed and treating my ADHD things have gotten much better and I don't usually create such chaos in my life. However, I do have a tendency to jump to the conclusion that I'm in the wrong if something negative happens. Here's an example: I got a letter from my bank telling me my business account was overdrawn and I needed to address the situation. I immediately panicked; I went through my checkbook register assuming I had it all screwed up. When it seemed to be in order I decided I couldn't be right so I went on line and looked at every transaction and tried to match it up with my checkbook. I found that I had recorded a deposit that the bank didn't have. I searched through my car thinking I had forgotten to make it. Then it struck me that maybe the bank was wrong. I called the local branch where I make all the deposits and asked a few questions. It turns out that they had received my deposit and it was credited to my personal account instead of my business account. They were extremely apologetic and credited me back any fees I'd incurred. Wow, I thought, it wasn't my fault at all. I was on the verge of making a deposit and not questioning it. I saved myself several hundred dollars and felt good about myself as well.
What are the lessons here?
1. Don't always assume something is your fault. Verify the facts, review what you have done, and make sure that you have met your responsibilities.
2. Don't avoid dealing with the situation out of fear or wishing to avoid embarrassment. Better to catch a mistake or omission now then letting it fester for weeks or months.
3. Do give yourself credit for things you have done well and stayed on top of even if you have made a mistake. I don't know many perfect people, and I would guess you don't either.
4. Do accept responsibility if indeed the situation is your fault, and offer to make amends. Then let it go, and ask yourself how you can do things differently to avoid this situation in the future.
5. Always be willing to ask questions and stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking a bank or whomever to explain why they think this is your fault. Make sure you are 100% satisfied with their answers. Don't allow your past to color your present.
It's always hard to overcome the negative feelings we may have about ourselves because of our past mistakes. However, it's ok to move ahead as someone that has turned the page on that part of your life. Don't always assume it's you; there's plenty of mistakes being made without your help.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What are the survival advantages of ADHD?
I've been doing a lot of reading recently about evolution and the origins of the human race. One of the really fascinating things you find is how quickly the human race can change if it finds a trait or physical characteristic that provides a survival advantage. For example, when humans migrated out of Africa they had the dark black skin that is common among Sub-Saharan African populations today. The dark skin color gave them protection from the hot sun of the plains of Africa and so was advantageous to them. Fast forward several thousand years and their descendants have made it to Northern Europe as the last ice age was ending. The human body needs vitamin D, and one of the primary sources is sunlight. We evolved near the equator where sunlight and warm temperatures were the norm. However, in a northern climate, the days can be quite short for long stretches of time. Thus, a light skin color that more easily absorbed the suns rays became advantageous for the humans that settled in Northern Europe and it quickly became the norm. There are countless examples of this ongoing process that have been documented by people who study the genetics surrounding human evolution. It got me to thinking about ADHD and why some of the traits that we find so vexing could have developed and proven advantageous to our ancestors.
1. Restlessness, Impulsivity, and Risk-Taking: In our current society, these characteristics can become a real trouble-maker for someone with ADHD. We can spend too much, say the wrong thing, drive our teachers or parents crazy with our inability to sit still, and get ourselves into trouble by engaging in risky behavior. But for an individual living in a hunter-gatherer society these would be extremely useful traits. You would be the member of the tribe willing to strike out in unfamiliar territory in search of food. You may be the one who has the most energy and drive to find your quarry. Because you are willing to take risks you are seen as brave and dominant. Finally, because you have an impulsive streak, you may be more adept at trying new hunting techniques or food types. There may be many more examples but these are a few I thought of.
2. Easily Distractible: Today, being easily distracted is another area where we can struggle. There is so much coming at us that people with ADHD can be easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli. But a few thousand years ago this wasn't the case. Being easily distractible could provide a big survival advantage. Consider that there was very little stimuli other than your fellow tribe mates. If you are out searching for game a sudden movement or noise could be an enemy or a meal. If you are instantly and forcefully distracted by anything outside of the norm this could lead to you eating more and being eaten less!
3. Memory issues: One of the complaints I often hear about ADHD is that someone can remember seemingly unimportant details of long ago events in great detail, but forgets to pick up their dry cleaning or mail out the bills. In a modern society this can seem to be a quirk or disadvantage, but looking at it from a survival standpoint it makes perfect sense. Our ancestors would have found it very useful to be able to have tremendous recall about things like where a water supply was, where a dangerous predator made their lair, or where someone once met an untimely end. Being able to focus solely on the most critical aspects of survival; and filter out less important things allowed those individuals to stay alive longer. Back then the only interesting thing was finding food and staying safe. Everything else was just gravy.
While this may be just complete guesswork on my part, I can see that aspects of ADHD could have been wonderful survival tools for our long ago ancestors. Unfortunately our modern society presents different challenges that these traits are not as well equipped to handle. One of the most valuable things anyone with ADHD can do is to learn about the condition and gain a better understanding of it. Thinking about it in our ancestors' lives was a fun experiment and gave me a chance to see the drawbacks of ADHD as advantages.
1. Restlessness, Impulsivity, and Risk-Taking: In our current society, these characteristics can become a real trouble-maker for someone with ADHD. We can spend too much, say the wrong thing, drive our teachers or parents crazy with our inability to sit still, and get ourselves into trouble by engaging in risky behavior. But for an individual living in a hunter-gatherer society these would be extremely useful traits. You would be the member of the tribe willing to strike out in unfamiliar territory in search of food. You may be the one who has the most energy and drive to find your quarry. Because you are willing to take risks you are seen as brave and dominant. Finally, because you have an impulsive streak, you may be more adept at trying new hunting techniques or food types. There may be many more examples but these are a few I thought of.
2. Easily Distractible: Today, being easily distracted is another area where we can struggle. There is so much coming at us that people with ADHD can be easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli. But a few thousand years ago this wasn't the case. Being easily distractible could provide a big survival advantage. Consider that there was very little stimuli other than your fellow tribe mates. If you are out searching for game a sudden movement or noise could be an enemy or a meal. If you are instantly and forcefully distracted by anything outside of the norm this could lead to you eating more and being eaten less!
3. Memory issues: One of the complaints I often hear about ADHD is that someone can remember seemingly unimportant details of long ago events in great detail, but forgets to pick up their dry cleaning or mail out the bills. In a modern society this can seem to be a quirk or disadvantage, but looking at it from a survival standpoint it makes perfect sense. Our ancestors would have found it very useful to be able to have tremendous recall about things like where a water supply was, where a dangerous predator made their lair, or where someone once met an untimely end. Being able to focus solely on the most critical aspects of survival; and filter out less important things allowed those individuals to stay alive longer. Back then the only interesting thing was finding food and staying safe. Everything else was just gravy.
While this may be just complete guesswork on my part, I can see that aspects of ADHD could have been wonderful survival tools for our long ago ancestors. Unfortunately our modern society presents different challenges that these traits are not as well equipped to handle. One of the most valuable things anyone with ADHD can do is to learn about the condition and gain a better understanding of it. Thinking about it in our ancestors' lives was a fun experiment and gave me a chance to see the drawbacks of ADHD as advantages.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Wait, did she really write that? My response to Marilyn Wedge's piece in the Huffington Post.
Every time I think that the stigma surrounding ADHD in kids and adults is fading away into understanding and acceptance I read an article by an "expert" or speak with some one and am floored by their ignorance. Exhibit A today is a piece from the Huffington Post written by Marilyn Wedge. She is listed as a family therapist and an author, and her piece was titled: "7 Natural Ways to Help Your Child's ADHD". You can read the full article by following this link.
I don't know much about this person, and I'm sure she means well. However, she begins this article badly and gets worse as she goes. Here are a few tidbits:
1. "Whether ADHD is actually a biological condition (there is no scientific evidence for this), or whether ADHD is a profitable social construction that allows Big Pharma to sell more drugs, is a topic that continues to be debated. (I added the italics).
Ummm, What? There are mountains of scientific evidence going back over 70 years. To say that there is none is either willfully ignorant or dishonest. Furthermore, I find the statement that ADHD is some concoction of the Pharmaceutical industry to dupe consumers insulting. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and I think I can make a sound judgement about my own mental health and well being. Parents are not just morons who mindlessly do whatever their Doctors tell them to. Furthermore, Doctors and Psychiatrists don't just blindly medicate patients so they will go away. I'm not sure who continues to debate these points other than Scientologists and Tea Party members who also don't believe in evolution.
2. "From my point of view as a family therapist, the various behaviors that we group together and name "ADHD".....have a situational, not a biological, cause. Many parents, for example, find that although their child seems to have ADHD at school, when the child is home-schooled he doesn't have symptoms at all."
Oh, ok now I get it. If your child exhibits ADHD in a public school setting just homeschool them. I'm not sure what you do with them when they are ready to go to College. In all seriousness though, to state that ADHD behaviors are situational again demonstrates a fundamental ignorance of how the condition manifests. When I meet with my accountant to go over my taxes my mind wanders, I'm restless, I'm distracted by the slightest thing, and it takes a great effort to remain focused. When I'm working with a client, or I'm coaching a game, I'm focused, relaxed, and dialed in. If you have ADHD you react to situations the way you do because of your biology.
3. "The parents who find their way to my office through the haze of psychiatric-pharmaceutical propaganda have read the research about the side effects of the speed medications used for ADHD, and they are looking for a saner alternative. These courageous souls are willing to take responsibility for making changes in their own homes to decrease their child's stress and improve the child's emotional health."
I think it's safe to say that this person has an agenda. I'm surprised that the diabolical Psychiatric-Pharmacuetical forces that she seems to be so against haven't tried to somehow silence her. Here's my biggest problem with the statement above: she is condemning those parents who decide to try medication to control their children's ADHD as lazy, irresponsible, and unwilling to "go the extra mile" to help their child. Talk about stigma!
I don't know Marilyn Wedge, PhD. Based on the article she published that I have excerpted above I don't think I want to know her. She doesn't believe that ADHD is a real neurobiological condition. She clearly feels that the Medical community, the Psychiatric community and the Pharmaceutical industry are conspiring to unnecessarily medicate your children. I will let you judge the rest of the article for yourself. In my humble opinion the philosophy of Dr. Wedge, Family Therapist is wrong scientifically, and highly objectionable in its use of moral condemnation. Let us hope that she is one of a dwindling number of old fashioned therapists that will eventually fade into the realm of history.
I don't know much about this person, and I'm sure she means well. However, she begins this article badly and gets worse as she goes. Here are a few tidbits:
1. "Whether ADHD is actually a biological condition (there is no scientific evidence for this), or whether ADHD is a profitable social construction that allows Big Pharma to sell more drugs, is a topic that continues to be debated. (I added the italics).
Ummm, What? There are mountains of scientific evidence going back over 70 years. To say that there is none is either willfully ignorant or dishonest. Furthermore, I find the statement that ADHD is some concoction of the Pharmaceutical industry to dupe consumers insulting. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, and I think I can make a sound judgement about my own mental health and well being. Parents are not just morons who mindlessly do whatever their Doctors tell them to. Furthermore, Doctors and Psychiatrists don't just blindly medicate patients so they will go away. I'm not sure who continues to debate these points other than Scientologists and Tea Party members who also don't believe in evolution.
2. "From my point of view as a family therapist, the various behaviors that we group together and name "ADHD".....have a situational, not a biological, cause. Many parents, for example, find that although their child seems to have ADHD at school, when the child is home-schooled he doesn't have symptoms at all."
Oh, ok now I get it. If your child exhibits ADHD in a public school setting just homeschool them. I'm not sure what you do with them when they are ready to go to College. In all seriousness though, to state that ADHD behaviors are situational again demonstrates a fundamental ignorance of how the condition manifests. When I meet with my accountant to go over my taxes my mind wanders, I'm restless, I'm distracted by the slightest thing, and it takes a great effort to remain focused. When I'm working with a client, or I'm coaching a game, I'm focused, relaxed, and dialed in. If you have ADHD you react to situations the way you do because of your biology.
3. "The parents who find their way to my office through the haze of psychiatric-pharmaceutical propaganda have read the research about the side effects of the speed medications used for ADHD, and they are looking for a saner alternative. These courageous souls are willing to take responsibility for making changes in their own homes to decrease their child's stress and improve the child's emotional health."
I think it's safe to say that this person has an agenda. I'm surprised that the diabolical Psychiatric-Pharmacuetical forces that she seems to be so against haven't tried to somehow silence her. Here's my biggest problem with the statement above: she is condemning those parents who decide to try medication to control their children's ADHD as lazy, irresponsible, and unwilling to "go the extra mile" to help their child. Talk about stigma!
I don't know Marilyn Wedge, PhD. Based on the article she published that I have excerpted above I don't think I want to know her. She doesn't believe that ADHD is a real neurobiological condition. She clearly feels that the Medical community, the Psychiatric community and the Pharmaceutical industry are conspiring to unnecessarily medicate your children. I will let you judge the rest of the article for yourself. In my humble opinion the philosophy of Dr. Wedge, Family Therapist is wrong scientifically, and highly objectionable in its use of moral condemnation. Let us hope that she is one of a dwindling number of old fashioned therapists that will eventually fade into the realm of history.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Do I still struggle with my own ADHD? Yes I do!
I thought that I would write a brief piece about things that I still struggle with in regards to ADHD. My reason for doing this is that I would like people to understand that everyone struggles with some aspect of ADHD no matter how long they've been managing it. When I was first diagnosed I went through a euphoric period of time where I thought I had finally "figured it out" and a new golden age of organization and productivity was upon me. After a couple of months I realized that this was not the case. There is a deep desire within all of us to have clarity and firm boundaries in our lives. We all have a fantasy that if we make X amount of money we will officially be successful, or that when we graduate from college we will officially be an adult. Unfortunately life simply doesn't operate that way. Managing ADHD is a daily task that will lead to improvement, but it will not make us who we are not. Finding a way to manage daily life and coming to understand and accept our limitations is a critical step in treating ADHD.
Here are some areas I still wrestle with:
1. Transitions: I'm much better at moving from one activity to the next, but I still struggle with the transition from sleeping to wakefulness, from work to rest, from focus on my professional responsibilities to my family responsibilities. I am able to make the transitions, but there is a brief period of uneasiness that used to cause me to procrastinate or avoid things. Now that I understand it better I'm able to work through the uneasiness and move to a new activity or sphere of my life.
2. Organization: I am organized in the sense that I try to structure my day and I meet my appointments and obligations on time. My personal spaces can go through periods of clutter and chaos followed by periods of neatness.
3. Task initiation: If I know how to do something, or I know where to begin doing something I can generally get started without any problem. If I'm confronted with a task that I'm unfamiliar with or seems like there is no easy sense of where to begin I tend to struggle.
4. Interruptions: If I'm working on something like this blog post and I'm interrupted I can usually get back to where I was without too much trouble. If I'm repeatedly interrupted my concentration dissolves and I find myself becoming irritable.
Will the above areas ever improve? Sure, I think over time they will. The key thing about these things is that I'm aware of them. Now I know that I need help if a project requires a lot of organizational work. I know to shut off my phone and close my email if I have a project to complete. Being aware of our limitations and finding the right set of coping strategies is the key to living a better life with ADHD. You can't change your brain and how it operates, but by becoming self aware you can begin the process of making your environment and support structures more appropriate for who you are.
Here are some areas I still wrestle with:
1. Transitions: I'm much better at moving from one activity to the next, but I still struggle with the transition from sleeping to wakefulness, from work to rest, from focus on my professional responsibilities to my family responsibilities. I am able to make the transitions, but there is a brief period of uneasiness that used to cause me to procrastinate or avoid things. Now that I understand it better I'm able to work through the uneasiness and move to a new activity or sphere of my life.
2. Organization: I am organized in the sense that I try to structure my day and I meet my appointments and obligations on time. My personal spaces can go through periods of clutter and chaos followed by periods of neatness.
3. Task initiation: If I know how to do something, or I know where to begin doing something I can generally get started without any problem. If I'm confronted with a task that I'm unfamiliar with or seems like there is no easy sense of where to begin I tend to struggle.
4. Interruptions: If I'm working on something like this blog post and I'm interrupted I can usually get back to where I was without too much trouble. If I'm repeatedly interrupted my concentration dissolves and I find myself becoming irritable.
Will the above areas ever improve? Sure, I think over time they will. The key thing about these things is that I'm aware of them. Now I know that I need help if a project requires a lot of organizational work. I know to shut off my phone and close my email if I have a project to complete. Being aware of our limitations and finding the right set of coping strategies is the key to living a better life with ADHD. You can't change your brain and how it operates, but by becoming self aware you can begin the process of making your environment and support structures more appropriate for who you are.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The search for consistency
The most frustrating thing about ADHD for those of us that have it and for those who routinely interact with us is our tendency toward inconsistency in many areas. In fact I would argue that it is this lack of consistency that has led to the unkind perception that ADHD is little more than an excuse for a lack of effort. What's insidious about this perception is that even in our own minds we are subject to the sense that we could have or should have tried harder. In all areas of our lives we can feel a sense we are letting people down because we can't do things the same way for extended periods of time. There is the enduring story of the teacher shaking their head and wondering aloud what a student could be if they only "applied themselves". There is the disappointed employer who sees a promising staff member constantly shooting themselves in the foot. Finally there is the exasperated spouse who is ready to tear out his or her hair over the behavior of their partner. They don't get it. "What's so hard about this?" they ask. We sit there sheepishly and apologize. We promise we will try harder. In our minds we are asking ourselves the same questions. And so it goes; we feel badly because we are inconsistent. We vow to do better. Inevitably it seems, we fall back into old habits and are chastised either externally or internally. We feel badly, and the cycle starts again. It's a terrible, vicious cycle that I believe leads to the extraordinary number of people who suffer from anxiety and depression in addition to ADHD.
In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken. One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent. This isn't true at all. They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities. Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in. I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time. She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning." After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest. She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning. I pointed out that she may want to look at the situation in a different way. Right now she was consistently sleeping late. The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed. By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.
To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:
1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble. Be specific. " I want to do better at the office" is too vague. " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource. Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you. Talk about your plans for improvement. Again, be specific. Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable. Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well. Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.
Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up. We all want to show up consistently in our lives. If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help. Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier. Then find someone to help you get things going.
In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken. One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent. This isn't true at all. They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities. Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in. I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time. She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning." After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest. She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning. I pointed out that she may want to look at the situation in a different way. Right now she was consistently sleeping late. The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed. By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.
To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:
1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble. Be specific. " I want to do better at the office" is too vague. " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource. Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you. Talk about your plans for improvement. Again, be specific. Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable. Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well. Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.
Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up. We all want to show up consistently in our lives. If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help. Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier. Then find someone to help you get things going.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Change is hard. Coaches can help.
I do two kinds of coaching: one is ADHD coaching where I collaborate with my clients to facilitate positive changes in their lives. The other kind of coaching is athletic coaching; specifically softball at the middle school level. There my role is teach players how to perform certain actions and to educate them about the game and their role in it. In both coaching arenas I often see someone who continues to perform a task or routine in a way that they are frustrated with. My ADHD coaching clients frequently get upset by the fact that no matter how hard they try they seem to fall back into old patterns of procrastination or disorganization. My softball players are upset by the fact that they look at a called third strike when they know they should swing, or continually misplay a fly ball. In both cases the individuals in question have made an effort to change, but found the effort so mentally or physically tiring that they unconsciously reverted to old patterns or techniques that they no longer want to pursue.
Why is it so hard to change these existing patterns? New research into the ways the human brain functions have led to some insight. I am far from an expert in this area, but here is how I understand what the current line of thought (no pun intended) indicates: The brain has to process a staggering amount of information all of the time, but our conscious mind can only handle so much at once. Habits are formed so that we can unconsciously manage easy, familiar activities and concentrate on new challenges or stimuli. This sounds like a good way to handle things right up until you want to change the way you are doing something. Suddenly you are trying to undo some very hardwired items in your brain. An extreme example would be someone who decided they would like to learn to write with their left hand instead of their right hand. It's going to take a lot of hard work and practice before doing so would feel at all natural.
When I coach softball players I talk about building "muscle memory". Of course your muscles aren't building memories, but you are reinforcing a habitual way to field a ground ball so that during a game you can concentrate on things like the game situation. When I work with kids or adults with ADHD I keep reminding them that it will take time and practice to build new pathways in their brains as they try to develop new ways of doing things. Part of my role in both areas is to encourage the new behavior, remind the person about the reasons for it, and recognize the success my player or client is having.
If you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD and are finding it difficult to change old patterns or create new habits I would strongly encourage you to explore how an ADHD Coach can help.
Think of them as a personal trainer at the gym, or a pro on the golf course. They are there to offer guidance, support, and accountability. They can provide you with valuable feedback, and offer suggestions on new strategies to try. Ultimately change is up to the individual, but going it alone can be awfully hard. For more information on finding an ADHD Coach in your area, visit CHADD's website at www.chadd.org and click on "finding support". The right coach can make all the difference in the world if you're an athlete; the same is true if you have ADHD.
Why is it so hard to change these existing patterns? New research into the ways the human brain functions have led to some insight. I am far from an expert in this area, but here is how I understand what the current line of thought (no pun intended) indicates: The brain has to process a staggering amount of information all of the time, but our conscious mind can only handle so much at once. Habits are formed so that we can unconsciously manage easy, familiar activities and concentrate on new challenges or stimuli. This sounds like a good way to handle things right up until you want to change the way you are doing something. Suddenly you are trying to undo some very hardwired items in your brain. An extreme example would be someone who decided they would like to learn to write with their left hand instead of their right hand. It's going to take a lot of hard work and practice before doing so would feel at all natural.
When I coach softball players I talk about building "muscle memory". Of course your muscles aren't building memories, but you are reinforcing a habitual way to field a ground ball so that during a game you can concentrate on things like the game situation. When I work with kids or adults with ADHD I keep reminding them that it will take time and practice to build new pathways in their brains as they try to develop new ways of doing things. Part of my role in both areas is to encourage the new behavior, remind the person about the reasons for it, and recognize the success my player or client is having.
If you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD and are finding it difficult to change old patterns or create new habits I would strongly encourage you to explore how an ADHD Coach can help.
Think of them as a personal trainer at the gym, or a pro on the golf course. They are there to offer guidance, support, and accountability. They can provide you with valuable feedback, and offer suggestions on new strategies to try. Ultimately change is up to the individual, but going it alone can be awfully hard. For more information on finding an ADHD Coach in your area, visit CHADD's website at www.chadd.org and click on "finding support". The right coach can make all the difference in the world if you're an athlete; the same is true if you have ADHD.
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