The search for consistency

The most frustrating thing about ADHD for those of us that have it and for those who routinely interact with us is our tendency toward inconsistency in many areas.  In fact I would argue that it is this lack of consistency that has led to the unkind perception that ADHD is little more than an excuse for a lack of effort.  What's insidious about this perception is that even in our own minds we are subject to the sense that we could have or should have tried harder.  In all areas of our lives we can feel a sense we are letting people down because we can't do things the same way for extended periods of time. There is the enduring story of the teacher shaking their head and wondering aloud what a student could be if they only "applied themselves".  There is the disappointed employer who sees a promising staff member constantly shooting themselves in the foot.  Finally there is the exasperated spouse who is ready to tear out his or her hair over the behavior of their partner.  They don't get it.  "What's so hard about this?" they ask.  We sit there sheepishly and apologize.  We promise we will try harder.  In our minds we are asking ourselves the same questions.  And so it goes; we feel badly because we are inconsistent.  We vow to do better. Inevitably it seems, we fall back into old habits and are chastised either externally or internally. We feel badly, and the cycle starts again.  It's a terrible, vicious cycle that I believe leads to the extraordinary number of people who suffer from anxiety and depression in addition to ADHD.

In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken.    One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent.  This isn't true at all.  They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities.  Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in.  I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time.  She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning."  After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest.  She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning.  I pointed out that she may want to  look at the situation in a different way.  Right now she was consistently sleeping late.  The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed.  By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.

To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:

1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble.  Be specific.  " I want to do better at the office" is too vague.  " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource.  Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you.  Talk about your plans for improvement.  Again, be specific.  Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable.  Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well.  Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental  or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.

Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up.  We all want to show up consistently in our lives.   If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help.  Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier.  Then find someone to help you get things going.