Enabling vs. Empowering kids with ADHD: an examination of Jodi Sleeper-Triplett's method

I have the opportunity to meet many different parents and kids doing the kind of work I do.  I also get to see first hand how different people handle different situations that arise in their children's lives.  One of the great challenges for me as a parent has been drawing the line between showing my kids how to do something (and expecting them to do it) or doing it for them.  Last week was my oldest daughter's eighteenth birthday, and as she has been fondly pointing out, she is now an adult.  I am proud of her because she is a hard working responsible kid that my wife and I can rely on to do the things she needs to do.  Not all parents are as lucky as we are.  For those parents who have a child with ADHD it can be a constant source of worry.  How will they manage in the world?  How can they go to college if they can't even find their shoes in the morning?  Today I wanted to talk about the need to empower our children to take responsibility for themselves, and also talk about the methods that are being taught to ADHD coaches by Jodi Sleeper Triplett of the Edge Foundation.

In her book Empowering Youth with ADHD  (you can learn more about the book on Amazon.com by clicking here) Jodi discusses the difference between  enabling someone with ADHD and empowering them.  For example, a student may need extra help with a subject in school.  In order to get that help, an appointment must be made with a student support staff member.  If the student has ADHD they may have a history of procrastinating or forgetting to do things of this nature.  So for the parents, there are two approaches to the situation.

The first would be to assume the student will never make the appointment if left to their own devices.  The Parent steps in and makes the appointment.  Then, the parent assumes the child won't show up for the appointment, so he or she rearranges their schedule, and makes sure the student arrives at the right place at the right time.  The Parent in this situation has sent the following messages: 1. I don't trust you to do anything for yourself, and 2. Don't worry, I'll make sure everything gets done that needs to get done.  This is perfectly fine when the child in question is very young; no one expects a first or second grader to manage this kind of task.  However, when we are discussing a student in High School it is perfectly reasonable to ask them to take more responsibility for their own school work regardless of whether they have ADHD or not.  So how does a parent move away from enabling their child to continue down this path?  Jodi explains that the secret is empowering the student to take action for themselves.

Empowerment looks something like this:  take the same scenario above only this time the parents decide that the student must be responsible for setting and keeping the appointment with the support staff member.  The parents sit down with their son or daughter and ask how they can best support their child in getting this important task completed.  They make it clear that the student is responsible for making the appointment, and for making arrangements to be at the appointment.  They further state that they would like the student to let them know when they have completed these two tasks, and what kind of reminder the student would like them to employ if they have not heard anything by a certain date or time.  Once they have come to an agreement on this the parents must abide by their word and let the student accomplish the task on their own.   There are very different messages being sent here than in the first scenario: 1. I trust you to handle this.  2. You can count on me for support if you need it, and 3. You are the only person accountable for getting things done that impact your life.

What this model teaches is that to enable your child may be the easier path, but in the long run does more harm than good.  To empower someone involves an element of letting go; of being willing to let natural consequences happen regardless of how painful they may be in the short term.  In the long run parents are doing a far greater service to their children by teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, to accept that they will not always be immediately successful in everything, and to help them develop resilience in the face of obstacles and setbacks.  Too often in our society Parents feel the need to shield their children from the truth that sometimes life is difficult, and that they will suffer disappointments. Empowering our kids with the knowledge that they can roll with the punches and take action for themselves gives them a far greater gift than a few idyllic years free from the cares of the world while they grow up.  Being a good parent involves making tough decisions.  Make the right decision the next time you are faced with an opportunity to empower your son or daughter.