The search for consistency

The most frustrating thing about ADHD for those of us that have it and for those who routinely interact with us is our tendency toward inconsistency in many areas.  In fact I would argue that it is this lack of consistency that has led to the unkind perception that ADHD is little more than an excuse for a lack of effort.  What's insidious about this perception is that even in our own minds we are subject to the sense that we could have or should have tried harder.  In all areas of our lives we can feel a sense we are letting people down because we can't do things the same way for extended periods of time. There is the enduring story of the teacher shaking their head and wondering aloud what a student could be if they only "applied themselves".  There is the disappointed employer who sees a promising staff member constantly shooting themselves in the foot.  Finally there is the exasperated spouse who is ready to tear out his or her hair over the behavior of their partner.  They don't get it.  "What's so hard about this?" they ask.  We sit there sheepishly and apologize.  We promise we will try harder.  In our minds we are asking ourselves the same questions.  And so it goes; we feel badly because we are inconsistent.  We vow to do better. Inevitably it seems, we fall back into old habits and are chastised either externally or internally. We feel badly, and the cycle starts again.  It's a terrible, vicious cycle that I believe leads to the extraordinary number of people who suffer from anxiety and depression in addition to ADHD.

In order to live a happier, healthier life it is critical that this perceived cycle of inconsistency is broken.    One of the biggest misconceptions I see when speaking with new or perspective clients is that they think they lack the ability to be consistent.  This isn't true at all.  They have consistency in many areas of their lives, but in many respects it is manifested in undesirable activities.  Rather then view themselves as inconsistent they should look at themselves as needing to change the activities they are successfully consistent in.  I know someone who consistently sleeps later than she wants and then has to rush around to get to work on time.  She was very frustrated by this and said to me "I wish I could be more consistent about when I get up in the morning."  After a little questioning it became clear that she always made it to work on time, and she always seemed to get enough rest.  She was frustrated because she thought it wasn't "grown up" behavior to oversleep and rush around in the morning.  I pointed out that she may want to  look at the situation in a different way.  Right now she was consistently sleeping late.  The only change she needed to make is finding the right tool to help her change the time she got out of bed.  By eliminating the moral overtones of the situation she could see that what she needed was a new alarm clock, and not some radical over haul of her entire life.

To develop more consistency there are several steps I suggest my clients undertake:

1. Identify the areas that are causing you the most trouble.  Be specific.  " I want to do better at the office" is too vague.  " I want to be prepared for every meeting" is more along the lines of what you want to look for.
2. Take an inventory of the things that you must do yourself, and those you can outsource.  Delegating tasks gives you more time and energy to devote to the other areas you have to manage.
3. Be truthful with those around you.  Talk about your plans for improvement.  Again, be specific.  Ask for feedback and support as needed.
4. Find someone who can help you be accountable.  Coaches are tailor made for this kind of thing, but there are many other options as well.  Finding someone who can help you stay on track while staying away from being judgmental  or overbearing is one of the most important things you can do.

Woody Allen famously said that eighty percent of success is showing up.  We all want to show up consistently in our lives.   If you've struggled with finding consistency feeling bad about yourself won't help.  Take time to reflect on what skills you need to improve, what tools you may need to invest in, and what things you can change to make life easier.  Then find someone to help you get things going.

Change is hard. Coaches can help.

I do two kinds of coaching: one is ADHD coaching where I collaborate with my clients to facilitate positive changes in their lives. The other kind of coaching is athletic coaching; specifically softball at the middle school level.  There my role is teach players how to perform certain actions and to educate them about the game and their role in it.  In both coaching arenas I often see someone who continues to perform a task or routine in a way that they are frustrated with.  My ADHD coaching clients frequently get upset by the fact that no matter how hard they try they seem to fall back into old patterns of procrastination or disorganization.  My softball players are upset by the fact that they look at a called third strike when they know they should swing, or continually misplay a fly ball.  In both cases the individuals in question have made an effort to change, but found the effort so mentally or physically tiring that they unconsciously reverted to old patterns or techniques that they no longer want to pursue.

Why is it so hard to change these existing patterns?  New research into the ways the human brain functions have led to some insight.  I am far from an expert in this area, but here is how I understand what the current line of thought (no pun intended) indicates: The brain has to process a staggering amount of information all of the time, but our conscious mind can only handle so much at once.  Habits are formed so that we can unconsciously manage easy, familiar activities and concentrate on new challenges or stimuli.  This sounds like a good way to handle things right up until you want to change the way you are doing something.  Suddenly you are trying to undo some very hardwired items in your brain.  An extreme example would be someone who decided they would like to learn to write with their left hand instead of their right hand.  It's going to take a lot of hard work and practice before doing so would feel at all natural.

When I coach softball players I talk about building "muscle memory".  Of course your muscles aren't building memories, but you are reinforcing a habitual way to field a ground ball so that during a game you can concentrate on things like the game situation.  When I work with kids or adults with ADHD I keep reminding them that it will take time and practice to build new pathways in their brains as they try to develop new ways of doing things.  Part of my role in both areas is to encourage the new behavior, remind the person about the reasons for it, and recognize the success my player or client is having.

If you are someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD and are finding it difficult to change old patterns or create new habits I would strongly encourage you to explore how an ADHD Coach can help.
Think of them as a personal trainer at the gym, or a pro on the golf course.  They are there to offer guidance, support, and accountability.  They can provide you with valuable feedback, and offer suggestions on new strategies to try.  Ultimately change is up to the individual, but going it alone can be awfully hard.  For more information on finding an ADHD Coach in your area, visit CHADD's website at www.chadd.org and click on "finding support".  The right coach can make all the difference in the world if you're an athlete; the same is true if you have ADHD.

Let's take shame out of the equation

Let's face it; shame is an emotion no one likes.  When I talk about shame I want to be clear that it's  different than embarrassment; being embarrassed can happen through no fault of your own.  Shame feels bad because right or wrong the feeling is that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is all your fault.  People with ADHD are familiar with the feeling of shame because they spend a good deal of time feeling ashamed.  Things that other people can do without any trouble are a huge struggle.  You forget about a commitment you have made.  Your finances are a mess.  Your grades are terrible.  You're in trouble at work. Everything that's happened is because you haven't tried hard enough, procrastinated too long, or just plain didn't do it.  I vividly recall the feelings of shame landing on me like a ton of bricks.  My usual mental refrain went something like this: what the hell is wrong with me?

In order to become the person you want to be you need to seek treatment.  I've spoken at length in past blog posts about the various components of what that treatment can look like.  One really critical factor that I've never really touched on before is trying to take shame out of the equation.  Now before we get too far I just want to mention that there are some practical aspects to the emotions associated with shame and embarrassment; as Dr. Ari Tuckman said in one of his excellent podcasts about ADHD "a little bit of shame is good; it helps to keep you honest." (I'm paraphrasing here, that may not be an exact quote. Check out his podcast, it's really good.  You can find it on his website at www.adultadhdbook.com or on iTunes).  But too much shame is unhealthy.  After years of castigating ourselves for behaviors that were a result of untreated ADHD it's very easy to fall into the old habit of feeling ashamed when we make a mistake.

Taking excessive shame out of the equation involves learning new ways to see situations as they unfold. Let's say for example that you had made a commitment to your spouse that you would attend to a few chores around the house.  Well, a few weeks go by and you haven't completed them.  Actually, several haven't been started.  When your spouse asks what the hold up is, you can react in a few different ways: when shame is present you may react angrily; "I've got a lot going on right now, I'll get it done when I get it done!" or you may react sheepishly; "I know, it should have been done a long time ago.  Why do you put up with me?"  But if you take shame out of the equation there's a whole new way to react; with reason.  "Your right, I committed to getting these things done and I haven't gotten through the whole list yet.  Thanks for giving me a nudge. I need that sometimes."

The thing to keep in mind are my two Golden Rules for Eliminating Shame:

Rule Number One: No one is perfect.
Rule Number Two: When you begin to feel ashamed, please refer back to rule number one.

If you know in your heart that you are making a legitimate effort in any endeavor, but fall a little short now and then you can safely acknowledge that fact.  You can apologize, make amends, and move forward without feeling badly about yourself.  If you make a mistake own up to it.  Give yourself credit for the things you have been doing well.  Shame can be a destructive emotion.  Learning to keep things in perspective and minimizing shame is an important step in treating your ADHD.