Let's take shame out of the equation

Let's face it; shame is an emotion no one likes.  When I talk about shame I want to be clear that it's  different than embarrassment; being embarrassed can happen through no fault of your own.  Shame feels bad because right or wrong the feeling is that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is all your fault.  People with ADHD are familiar with the feeling of shame because they spend a good deal of time feeling ashamed.  Things that other people can do without any trouble are a huge struggle.  You forget about a commitment you have made.  Your finances are a mess.  Your grades are terrible.  You're in trouble at work. Everything that's happened is because you haven't tried hard enough, procrastinated too long, or just plain didn't do it.  I vividly recall the feelings of shame landing on me like a ton of bricks.  My usual mental refrain went something like this: what the hell is wrong with me?

In order to become the person you want to be you need to seek treatment.  I've spoken at length in past blog posts about the various components of what that treatment can look like.  One really critical factor that I've never really touched on before is trying to take shame out of the equation.  Now before we get too far I just want to mention that there are some practical aspects to the emotions associated with shame and embarrassment; as Dr. Ari Tuckman said in one of his excellent podcasts about ADHD "a little bit of shame is good; it helps to keep you honest." (I'm paraphrasing here, that may not be an exact quote. Check out his podcast, it's really good.  You can find it on his website at www.adultadhdbook.com or on iTunes).  But too much shame is unhealthy.  After years of castigating ourselves for behaviors that were a result of untreated ADHD it's very easy to fall into the old habit of feeling ashamed when we make a mistake.

Taking excessive shame out of the equation involves learning new ways to see situations as they unfold. Let's say for example that you had made a commitment to your spouse that you would attend to a few chores around the house.  Well, a few weeks go by and you haven't completed them.  Actually, several haven't been started.  When your spouse asks what the hold up is, you can react in a few different ways: when shame is present you may react angrily; "I've got a lot going on right now, I'll get it done when I get it done!" or you may react sheepishly; "I know, it should have been done a long time ago.  Why do you put up with me?"  But if you take shame out of the equation there's a whole new way to react; with reason.  "Your right, I committed to getting these things done and I haven't gotten through the whole list yet.  Thanks for giving me a nudge. I need that sometimes."

The thing to keep in mind are my two Golden Rules for Eliminating Shame:

Rule Number One: No one is perfect.
Rule Number Two: When you begin to feel ashamed, please refer back to rule number one.

If you know in your heart that you are making a legitimate effort in any endeavor, but fall a little short now and then you can safely acknowledge that fact.  You can apologize, make amends, and move forward without feeling badly about yourself.  If you make a mistake own up to it.  Give yourself credit for the things you have been doing well.  Shame can be a destructive emotion.  Learning to keep things in perspective and minimizing shame is an important step in treating your ADHD.