Learning to say "No" is one of the key steps to restoring balance in your life

One of the difficulties people I coach with ADHD have is saying "no".  While these people have good intentions when you have ADHD the deck is stacked against you in many respects.  Learning to recognize when taking on new responsibilities or projects isn't a good idea is a big step in treating your ADHD, and bringing some peace to your life.  Here is a typical example of how you can get yourself into trouble:

In the past I might jump at a chance to volunteer for a worthy cause while completely forgetting that I also am committed to coaching a Little league team.  I also didn't think of the amount of time that this would be taking away from my family and the numerous tasks and projects that need doing around the house.  How many hours of discretionary time did I think I had available on the weekends?  I didn't even think about that.  I just said "yes"!

There are many moving parts, but I think there are several key reasons why people with ADHD tend to overcommit:

1. ADHD effects our ability to think "strategically".  We tend to respond to what's in front of us at that moment, rather than think about long term ramifications.
2. ADHD impacts our ability to measure time effectively.  We are pretty sure that we have enough time to fit everything in, but we totally underestimate the amount of time things will take.
3. ADHD is often marked by impulsivity; we say yes, then later we may realize that it was a poor choice to do so.
4. People with ADHD often feel they have disappointed others, or let them down.  In many cases saying yes to everything is a search for a chance to redeem themselves and feel better about themselves.

Unfortunately, never saying no leads us to be overcommitted, stressed out, and increases the likelihood that we will forget to do something or do it poorly.  When thinking about strategies you can employ to help you keep from saying yes to too many things, it's important to realize that you need to do some preparation first:

1. Keep a master calendar for yourself.  Write down the things you know you have to be present for, and the events you know are coming up; if you are involved in your church or some other activity, make sure those events are recorded too.
2. Then make sure you have accounted for things that you don't often take into consideration.  In my part of the country, early November means you need to rake the leaves, so you should probably plan to set some time aside for that.  How about the promise you made to the kids to take them to the water park, when is that happening? What day is your spouse's birthday, and will he or she be expecting you to spend time with them?  Do you have an exercise regimen? Does your work involve travel or evening events frequently?  These are all chunks of time you need to account for in some fashion.

Once you have your master calendar set up, you need to make a promise to yourself that when something new and exciting comes along you need to check your schedule first.  Practice saying "you know, that sounds like it would be really fun to do.  I have a pretty busy schedule though, so I need to make sure I have the time to devote to this. Can I call you later tonight and let you know?"
Also remember to ask things like "how much time will be involved every week?" and "will it always be on the same day at the same time?" Don't just say yes if you don't have all the information you need.  Make it clear that your time is valuable:  "I'd really like to be a part of this, but I need to know the schedule at least a few weeks in advance.  I have a lot on my plate right now."  If the activity or event is just too good to pass up, be prepared to postpone or eliminate something existing from your schedule.  You may have a lot of fun at Poker night every Thursday, but that's probably a better thing to replace than time with your wife and kids.

Learning to say no isn't easy.  But developing the skill of looking at your time, and understanding your priorities can save you from a lot of needless stress.  It's o.k. to be active and involved in things, but it's not o.k. if that leads to anxiety about how you're going to fit it all in.