A remedy for those with ADHD: self compassion

A recent article in the New York Times discussed new findings that being kind to yourself was, well, good for you!  (To read the article click on this link: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?hpw ). As I read the article and reflected on the findings, I began to think about some of the ways people with ADHD think about themselves.  I have often had moments where I called myself things like "stupid", "senile", "idiot", or mused out loud "what the hell is the matter with me?".  It's understandable that after a life of forgetting appointments, procrastination, half finished tasks, and frustration, a person can get very down on themselves.  What's more problematic is that once you have the diagnosis for ADHD you still have built in habits of thinking negatively of yourself.  This can be insidious because even though you now realize your brain works differently, and even if you're doing better with managing the effects of ADHD, you still have that nagging little voice inside that whispers "you screwed up again, ADHD is only an excuse!".

I'm not saying that people with ADHD shouldn't be accountable for their mistakes or omissions.  I'm also not saying that reasonable, constructive reflection on situations that didn't go well isn't a good practice.  What I would argue is that the way we treat ourselves through our thoughts and actions can have a huge impact on how we feel in general.  Let me give you an example:

I do a fair amount of athletic coaching.  Over the years I've learned that the way to reach someone is not to react negatively (come on! How many times do I need to tell you not to throw the ball away!), but rather to offer encouragement ( hey don't worry, everybody makes mistakes.  Let's learn from this for the next time ok?).  When we react to something we have done (or not done) it's hard not to be overly self critical.  I should know better, I knew I'd screw this up, etc.  The sooner someone can change tghese habits, the better.  Negative self talk leads to negative emotions.  Negative emotions leads to negative energy.  Negative energy creates it's own momentum toward creating more negative self talk, and the cycle begins.  It's no coincidence that depression is an extremely common condition for those who have ADHD.  If you are constantly thinking poorly of yourself, it's hard to be happy.

So we need to break the negative cycle!  How do we do that?  Here are some concrete steps:

1. First and most importantly, make sure you seek treatment from your Doctor or Mental health provider if you have symptoms of depression that have been ongoing for sometime.  You can find information about clinical depression here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

2.  Observe the way you think about yourself, and write down some of the things you think. Then ask: would you ever speak to other people in the same way?  If the answer is no, then you may need to ease up a little.

3. Try to reframe the way you think about mistakes.  Rather than getting on yourself about being irresponsible or stupid,  ask yourself whether it's really that big of a deal?  Ok, I bounced a check, and it cost me some money.  What's done is done.  What I can do to make sure this doesn't happen going forward?

4. If you make a mistake you're in good company!  I've yet to meet anyone who's perfect, and I doubt I'd like them if I did.  If you find yourself making the same mistake time and time again, sit down and try to look at the situation calmly.  What leads up to the mistake?  Are there things that you should look at changing?  Do you need to ask for help from someone else?

5.  If you find that something you did caused issues for another person don't beat yourself up.  Admit your error, and if you need to make amends, make amends.  Then give yourself credit for being a stand up person who takes responsibility for their actions, and feel good about that.

ADHD can create conditions that are tough on our self esteem.  Once you know that a lot of the difficulties you have experienced had a lot to do with your brain functioning it's time to forgive yourself. You can't change the past, but you can resolve to do better going forward.  Just remember, you have to live with yourself, and it's a lot easier to live with someone you like than someone you don't.